In our last teaching, we answered the question, “Are soul ties biblical?” If you missed it, check out here.
Maybe you, like many, including myself have fallen victim to the new age teaching of soul ties that are permeating the church.
It states that A soul tie is when two souls are ‘knit together’ spiritually.
It’s often referred to as forming a bond through sexual relationships outside of marriage and it is believed to have destructive consequences on the person’s emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
But nowhere in scripture does the bible state that I’ve now lost a piece of myself to a past relationship.
In fact, it’s the opposite, 2 Corinthians 5:17 reminds us that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.
So you may be asking, If it’s not a soul tie, what it is? Because I sure feel bound up and demonically tied?
While there is no mystical cosmic connection that explains what’s troubling you, there are issues of the soul that can arise in our lifetime.
Let’s talk today about 7 alternatives to why you’re stuck and how to move forward.
Soul tie alternative #1. Codependency
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10
Codependency comes in many forms, but They all revolve around what a person can get from someone else by giving him or her something in return.
For example, a parent may expect to control an adult child because of the parent’s financial support of the child. Another common scenario is when a man or a woman will not cut ties in an ungodly or unhealthy relationship because there is still an emotional need being met.
At the core, the relationship is focused on using one another rather than giving unconditional love and honest acceptance.
There is a give-to-get component behind this.
One may feel “tied” because the truth is that your worth is tied up in this other person. And until the preverbal cord is cut, there will always be an emotional dependency on them.
Soul tie alternative #2. Idolatry (fantasy)
Exodus 20:3 reminds us that “you shall have no other gods before me”
We often think of idolatry as the worship of man-made figurines but An idol is anything that replaces the One True God.
When we place a person or a thing above God in preference, we make an idol out of it. The Israelites didn’t deny God, they just had others that they deemed important as well.
This plays out in dysfunctional relationship dynamics as well. When we give a person first place in our hearts, we may call it love but it’s an idol.
This is why when the relationship is over, it feels so devasting because this person was given a place in your life that only God should occupy.
Soul tie alternative #3. Poor attachment patterns
“I will be your God and you will be my people. “ Jeremiah 30:22
Attachment can be defined as a deep and enduring emotional bond between two people. When raised in a healthy, emotionally intelligent environment, attachment patterns can be secure.
But for many, their caregivers did not develop a sense of security in them thus resulting in insecure attachments to others later in life.
When there is an insecure attachment pattern, we often look to others to meet the needs that our parents didn’t/couldn’t.
But God is our life-giver and sustainer. When an unhealthy attachment takes place with others, we turn away from God and towards that person to be our source and sustainer. This is why it can feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself when an important relationship ends.
Soul tie alternative #4. Fear.
Fear is a powerful driver when God is not in the driver’s seat of your life.
Perhaps it’s the fear that you will never love again. Or the fear of being alone or the fear that you’ve invested so much already, you couldn’t possibly let go.
Fear will cause you to run through the trauma of the past or the what if’s of the future and keep you trapped in a dysfunctional and unhealthy relational pattern.
Remember that “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7.
In order to break free from this demonic stronghold, your trust needs to be in God alone.
Soul tie alternative #5 – Trauma.
Relationships create connections in our brains. Dr. Caroline Leaf says that we get in each other’s heads and it increases the strength of the bond.
But what if the relationship is toxic? The same thing occurs except now there is a toxic exchange.
(which is why it’s difficult sometimes to let go of a relationship despite how toxic it is.)
the intensity draws you back to this person, feeling like a tie or a bond.
The problem with trauma is that everything is distorted.
It’s also why many have difficulty in “normal” relationships because normal relationships lack the intensity that you are accustomed to, therefore you feel like it’s not “love if it’s not intense.
Trauma keeps you connected to this other person through hope. It’s likely that you’ve had some good moments that you are hanging onto the hope of returning.
Meanwhile the bad is hurting you.
Soul tie alternative #6 – Lack of control.
We’ve given our lack of self-control a name – it’s called passion. We justify giving into temptation with words like “I’m just so drawn to him, I can’t fight it” and “the heart wants what the heart wants”
But this simply isn’t true. 1 corinthians 10:13 reminds us
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation, he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
It reminds me of the story in Genesis when Dinah daughter of Jacob was raped by Shechem. This wasn’t just a brutal act of cruelty, he actually loved her and wanted her as his wife. I’m sure he convinced himself with many justifications for why self-control was not necessary.
And if you haven’t read that story, I encourage you to jump on over to Genesis 34 and see what actually ended up happening to Shechem.
A Lack of self-control should not be an indication of God’s will. Just because you can’t stop thinking about someone or desire to be with them, doesn’t mean that’s what God wants for you.
Be very careful and prayerful before you give in to these passions or they could end you up like Shechem.
Soul tie alternative #7 – Unforgiveness.
If you want to feel tied to someone in the most destructive way possible, hold onto unforgiveness. If you want to be guaranteed to live a life way below your potential PLUS suffer the toxic effects, then keep the offense fresh in your mind. Be sure to ruminate on it frequently, this way the root of bitterness grows down so deep that it chokes out any ounce of life that Jesus died for you to have.
Matthew 6:15 reminds us “But if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Want to free yourself, cut that emotional cord, now in Jesus’ name.
There’s no question that our soul needs healing but it doesn’t mean we have a mystical spiritual tie to someone.
Let’s stop making spiritual justifications for soulish decisions. In Jesus’ name, we can be healed, whole, and made new.