Let me be clear all mothers make mistakes. God knows that I have made my fair share but mistakes and character flaws are two very different things. A mother can become toxic to her child when her repeated toxic behavior has become so deeply ingrained that it now becomes a part of her identity, and she doesn’t even realize it. Toxic mothers have a way of never assuming responsibility. They point all of the blame onto you and they do a lot of manipulating and they disguise it by saying, “I’m just trying to be a good mother,” or “I’m just doing this because I love you,” and when this happens, the children are left terribly, terribly confused.
They want so much to believe that their mothers are loving and nurturing, but what they get instead is an onslaught of accusations and guilt-ridden comments that leave them feeling devastated, but unable to truly pinpoint why. And maybe, you know that you don’t like to be around your mother, but what you may not know is that her toxic traits that you’ve been raised with me and rubbed off on you. Now, I’m not saying that this is an automatic that if your mother was toxic, you will be too, but there are a few issues that a toxic mother can create. And if not dealt with properly, can become toxic there for perpetuating the very cycle that you long to be free from.
So let’s talk about some of the effects that toxic parents can have on their children.
#1 – Confidence issues. The critical and inconsistent messages that a child receives from a toxic parent, leaves them feeling very insecure. They frequently, hear conflicting messages playing in their minds.
#2 – An inability to form healthy attachments in relationships. When a secure attachment to a parent is lacking. It’s extremely difficult to form, healthy attachments with others.
#3 – Hypersensitivity. Children raised by toxic mothers, tend to take things very personally, they are extremely self-focused and they are often offended by any form of criticism or feedback and this can produce a defensiveness that makes it difficult to relate to on a healthy level.
#4 – Lack of boundaries. Children, raised by toxic parents or parents struggled to say no or accept no, as an answer.
#4 – A lack of trust. When the key person in your life, turns out to be someone that you can’t trust. It is near impossible to form relationships of healthy, Mutual trust, but my friend, it doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, Mom or Dad may have left you broken. But Jesus can pick up the broken pieces of your life and build something beautiful.
So, here are some traits that you may have developed that are keeping you from the healthy relationships that you so long for it and how to break free.
#1 – Lacking self-examination. When the messages you hear your entire life is one of criticism and condemnation or confusion, it’s no wonder that we close our ears to end the thing that could be potentially hurtful and this can often lead to narcissism and other, harmful personality, disorders, as the image of yourself, cannot be disrupted.
So 2 Corinthians 13:5 says, “examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith test yourself”, or do you not realize that this about yourself that Jesus Christ is in you. Unless indeed, you fail to meet the test. I get it a toxic parent, can leave you feeling worthless and insignificant, but you hold much value in God’s eyes. This does not however mean that you don’t have areas to improve upon we all do. It may not have been safe to reveal your insecurities in your hurts to your toxic parent. But with Jesus, you can. And when you do you’re going to find the growth and the healing that you so. Long for and then that mess can come down. Hallelujah!
#2 – Too Much self-examination. The opposite of no self-examination is over-examination. Many with toxic tendencies, will condemn themselves for just about everything, and while it is healthy to look at yourself and see what areas you need to improve those with too much self-examination often overlooked the toxic traits of others and blame themselves completely, they feel that if they can just fix themselves, then the relationship will be good. But this doesn’t work.
Romans 8:1 reminds us that “there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” Yes, my friend own your part, but that’s it. If you’ve sinned against God or someone else, repent receive your forgiveness, then move forward in God’s grace and the only people who like seeing you stuck in condemnation. Are other toxic people?
#3 – Lacking boundaries. Toxic people almost always struggle with boundaries for themselves and others. They not only find it difficult to say no, but they have difficulty accepting no as an answer. They often confuse enmeshment for love.
Galatians 6:5 reminds us that “each will have to bear his own load.” So when you begin to set Godly boundaries, you can own your stuff and others can own it.
#4 – Lack of trust. Deep down inside, toxic people feel that relationships are unreliable and this often leads to suspicion and defensiveness in relationships as well as toxic thinking the two things happen. Either you are suspicious of everyone and everything and keep many people at an arm’s length or you give your trust over way too easily and hope to find someone of support and trust is difficult when the one that you should have been able to count on in life, couldn’t be trusted and this often transfers over to our relationship with God. To look if you couldn’t trust the ones that you could see that we’re supposed to be there for you. How are you supposed to be able to trust the one you can’t see?
I got it. God can be trusted. He is not like man, and I love that gentle reminder that we have in Psalm 9:10, “And those who know your name, put their trust in you for you.” Oh Lord has not forsaken those who seek you. My friend a toxic parent may not have given you a good start. But God can give you a rock-solid finish. Look. If you are struggling with any of these toxic traits, do not give the enemy another inch of your life, get the help that you need to break free. From whatever is holding you back from the healthy relationships that you so long for and oftentimes we know that we wouldn’t do what we don’t want but we can’t properly describe what we do want because it’s never been modeled for us to get you started.
I would like to recommend a book that will help you understand what safe healthy relationships look like, it’s called Safe People, and the author is Henry Cloud. Grab your copy today, my friend, because God has so much more for you than the legacy of a toxic parent. And if you are struggling with a toxic family, or anybody in your life and you need help and learning how to deal with these double sent individuals. I want to invite you to grab a copy of our free Toxic People Survival Guide.
Remember all things are possible with God.