Imagine living your life in constant fear, never knowing how, or when you’re going to be blamed, for just being you. Stomach is always in knots, you’ll watch your every word you’d give anything to be able to just relax. All you want to do is live in peace but you can’t seem to escape this toxic person. No, no, not because you were barricaded or in bondage, but simply because you were born. 

 

Now, imagine that toxic person is your own mother. Have you ever been in a relationship with someone with that you just couldn’t share vulnerable information or connect on a genuine level and maybe you weren’t able to put your finger on it, but you felt like something was just off? I just can’t seem to trust this person and see if people aren’t able to join you in the joys of life and or the struggles. 

 

Unsafe people have a way of making you feel fearful and foolish for having confided in them and it’s hard enough, dealing with unsafe people in friendships and romantic partners. But what do you do when it’s your own mother? If interactions with your own mother leave you scratching your head or pull your hair out, it might be, that your mom is more toxic than your thought. 

So today, let’s talk about five signs that God is showing you that your mother isn’t safe. 

 

#1 – She’s defensive.  

 

A toxic mother’s focus is all about her. Her needs, her wants, or desires, so when someone challenges her fragile ego even with the slightest bit of criticism, you will get met with every excuse in the book, blaming everyone and everything, even you. 

 

Proverbs 12:15, however, tells us “that the way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” 

 

Fools don’t take accountability for their own behaviors and they refuse to look at themselves as the source of any problem. So when you come to them with complaints, criticism, or correction, you will get met with an array of defensiveness that can display itself in either emotional outbursts or just other volatile behaviors, even considering stonewalling.

 

# 2 – She’s divisive. 

 

There’s just something particularly evil about people who cause division. The motives behind it are selfish and destructive and unsafe people will pick people against you many times in an effort to make you reliant upon them. And in the case of mothers, this can be displayed in constant criticism of others, the pitting of siblings against each other, and then blaming you for not having a good relationship with them to the extreme, but not uncommon, to actually alienate you from another parent. 

 

But listen to what Titus 3:10 says, “As for a person who stirs up division after warning him once, and then twice have nothing more to do with them.” If the relationship is already damaged, you may find that she plays the victim positioning you as the toxic daughter who just doesn’t care about her mother. 

 

#3 – She’s deflective. 

 

Remember Wonder Woman and her famous wrist deflectors? A bullet would come flying at her and she would just raise up her arm and block it, and send it in a completely different direction. Yeah, well, that’s what unsafe people do, except the problem is, is that every comment or question can be seen as a personal attack, and that’s when they go into deflecting mode. Unsafe mothers are no different than unsafe people who avoid their problems and take no personal accountability for their behaviors are destructive. 

 

Matthew 7:30, asked the vital question, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye? But you do not notice the log in your own eye?” 

 

With a toxic mother, you will likely find the conversation going in five different directions with no resolution to any issues. She has no desire to focus on the log in her eye, but would much rather see the blame and the speck in your eye. And this type of behavior also makes for difficulty in connection. And since all the relationship relies on some level of intimacy, you may find a genuine connection lacking with an unsafe mother. 

 

#4 – She’s demanding. 

 

Unsafe mothers take the scripture honor thy mother to an insane degree. They believe, even if it’s unspoken, that you are responsible for their happiness, you are responsible to pay them back for all they’ve done for you, even though as mothers that’s what we’re supposed to do for our children and after all that she’s done to give you life, you owe her. And the truth is God gave you life and any loving mother is going to recognize what an incredible privilege it is to be used by God to carry one of his precious children.

 

 But unsafe mothers are demanding in their requests and controlling in their actions. They will often create a dependency to keep you within her control. And a common way is through financial support and if this isn’t possible then guilt and manipulation are often the go-to methods for getting what she wants from you. 

 

#5 – She’s demeaning. 

 

Many toxic mothers, can’t help but belittle their children, especially their daughters because of their dissatisfaction with their own life. And they often disguise their constant critiques as love and care. But at the heart of it, it’s an insatiable need to elevate themselves above everyone and everything, including you and if you don’t fit mom’s mold she’s going to have something to say about it and you better believe it likely won’t be said in love.

 

Now before you get confused into thinking, yeah, but she just does it because she wants, what’s best for me? I want you to remember Galatians 5:22, “But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control against such things there is no law.”

 

Those filled with the spirit of God don’t have to insult others, to elevate themselves and whether your mother is defensive, divisive, deflective, demanding, or demeaning, an unsafe mother will not follow the natural law of love through nurturing and support, but rather toxic mothering is one that is marked by selfishness disguised as a sacrifice, control positioned as care, insensitivity marked by her complete lack of empathy and if you’re struggling with a toxic mother or anyone toxic in your life, I want to invite you to grab a copy of our free Toxic People Survival Guide, to help you identify and deal with all the toxic people in your life. 

 

I also want to note that this video is not meant to diagnose or point blame, especially on mothers. Mothering is the hardest job on the planet. And as a mother I can attest to the fact that we all make mistakes but mistakes and repeated patterns with no regard for correction are very different, don’t confuse the two and if you believe that your mother has some of these traits and it’s not safe speaking to her about it, may, I suggest that you speak with a good Christian counselor who can help and has an understanding of toxic and possibly even narcissistic behaviors. 

 

I have included a link to Faithful Counseling to help you find a counselor that works best for you. Faithful Counseling is a network of counselors all across the United States and when you call you going to be paired with the best one for you. And if you use the link above, you will actually receive a 10% discount off of your first month’s counseling. And if you would like help on healing from a toxic mother, I want to invite you to check out my Heal from a Toxic Mother course it is designed to help you restore your life through faith or if you’re saying, I need better boundaries to be able to handle myself around my mother. We have a new course that is launching it is a Toxic Mother Survival Course it is the Christian’s guide to dealing with your toxic mother Biblically.