And while in some cases that question is prompted from years of gaslighting, other times, it’s because you’re sensing that you may not be as innocent as you think. 

One of my favorite scriptures reminds us, “For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. But let each one test his own work, and then his reason to boast will be in himself alone and not in his neighbor. For each will have to bear his own load.” (Galatians 6:3-5)

The truth is, many toxic relationships have more than one person contributing. There’s a tango taking place and it’s making for one very ugly dance.

There’s a difference between struggling with things in a relationship and being a bad person. 

Look, we all have things to work on. But there’s also a fine line between broken and bad. 

So how do you know how big of a part you’re playing in the toxic tango?

Here are 15 questions you can ask yourself to answer, “am I a toxic person?”

Question #1

Do I recognize the areas I need to work on and seek help? Or do I quickly defend myself and maybe even blame others?

It can be tempting to defend and deflect but that will only serve to deteriorate the relationship. 

Question #2

Do I take action to correct my problem areas? Or do I justify my behavior, especially if it’s triggered by the other person?

Question #3

Do I go to the Lord for godly counsel when my emotions are a mess? Or do I rely upon others to make me feel better (validated, confident, happy, understood, etc.).

If your hope is more in people than God, you will put more pressure on a relationship than it can handle. 

Question #4

Do I assume responsibility for my actions and reactions? Or do I think, If they would just change?

Relying upon the actions of others for your well-being is treading on very thin codependent ice.

Question #5

Do I speak the truth in love and allow room for any outcome? Or do I get upset when people don’t take my advice or suggestions?

If you’re unable to communicate with love and truth, it’s likely that you’re expressing yourself in a passive-aggressive manner. 

Question #6

Do I communicate with directness and clarity? Or do I expect others to read my mind?

God expects us to say what we mean and mean what we say, but indirect behavior can be another form of passive aggression. The result sometimes can be outbursts, withdrawing, stonewalling, or avoiding, all of which is manipulation.

Question #7

Do I handle anger in a healthy and godly way? Or do I have regular angry outbursts that I blame others for?

Your response is your responsibility. And while anger is a God-given emotion, it’s not appropriate to express it in a destructive manner. Yes, someone’s actions can trigger anger within you, but it’s up to you how that anger will be handled. Remember, you can’t pull out you what’s not already in you.

Question #8

Do I handle rejection, disagreements, and disappointment with grace, or do I fall apart?

Automatic reactions, like crying, angry outbursts, and passive-aggressive comments, are typically a sign of someone who has not mastered their emotions. So when disappointment and disagreements take place, whatever is repressed often bubbles to the surface.

Question #9

Do I accept constructive criticism and complaints well? Or do I need others to tell me what I want to hear?

Truth tellers are often a threat to a toxic person’s self-delusion. If people can’t point out your flaws and blind spots without a negative reaction, you might be more toxic than you think.

Question #10

Do I respect others’ boundaries? Or do I only get upset when they don’t respect mine?

Question #11

Do I set boundaries to protect myself, or do I attempt to control others with rules disguised as boundaries?

Question #12

Do I communicate my feelings and concerns quickly and gently? Or do I tolerate behavior until I can’t take it anymore and then explode or break down?

Question #13

Do I quickly forgive and extend grace when needed? Or do I always keep score?

If you’re able to recount and recite past offenses to support new ones, or you keep tabs on the things that you’ve done for the person vs what they’ve done for you, you may not be as forgiving as you think.

Question #14

Do I give out of a cheerful heart? Or Do I give to get? Or give out of obligation?

Question #15

Do I listen with the goal of understanding? Or do I listen just long enough (if at all) to interject my thoughts and feelings?

Poor listening skills can erode a relationship because there is no ‘relating’. Listening is crucial for understanding, not just hearing. I know you want to be understood. It’s likely the other person does too.

So, how did you do? 

If you’re like most of us mere mortals, you’re likely seeing some toxic traits that you’re not proud of.

I get it.

The truth is, everyone can have toxic traits in a relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person. But it does mean that you have some work to do. 

I want to encourage you to take your traits to God in prayer and repent. 

Also, repent to the other person as long as doing so will not put you in harm’s way (and no, feeling like a heel and not wanting to hear their lectures is not considered harm’s way).

Your job is to allow God to change you. You may also realize that you need some help in this journey, especially if you find yourself wondering, “Am I a toxic person?” Rarely can we do anything difficult or significant without support. Please consider seeking wise, godly counsel.  

Now that you know some of the signs of a toxic person, you’ll want to learn the 3 signs that God is trying to remove someone from your life, so check out this episode right here.

Need help dealing with difficult people? Grab my FREE Toxic People Survival Guide.