Let’s play a little game of naming the trait. I tell you a trait and you guess whether it’s troubled or toxic. Ready?

• Manipulative.
• Secretive.
• Bad boundaries.
• Poor communication.

If you said toxic, you’d be right.

If you said troubled, you’d also be right.

Are you surprised? Toxic traits can be difficult to navigate especially when they share such similarities with it’s troubled sister.

But there is a difference between difficult and destructive, troubled and toxic. So, let’s break down some of the key distinctions so you can discern the difference. This insight will be crucial in helping you determine who to hang in there with and who to let go.

The best way to do that is through sneezing. Sneezing can be a sign of any number of issues. It can come from allergies, the common cold, COVID, or perhaps something as simple as nasal irritation.

Much like sneezing can be from a variety of issues, so can relational and emotional problems. What if you treated someone who had a common cold like they had tuberculosis? Or worse, someone that had tuberculosis like they had a common cold?

So let’s discern the differences between troubled people (the common cold) and toxic people (tuberculosis).

You’ve likely had a cold at some point in your life, after all, it’s common. But tuberculosis is an illness you don’t just write off. It’s both highly contagious and dangerous. And much like toxic traits, it can spread when it releases its harmful effects.

Here are some of the toxic traits that people will display:

• manipulative
• controlling
• disrespectful
• selfish
• envious
• secretive
• judgmental 
• critical
• dishonest
• gossipy
• unsupportive
• competitive 
• angry
• and even abusive

Now, troubled traits on the other hand are…

• manipulative
• controlling
• disrespectful
• selfish
• envious
• secretive
• judgmental 
• critical
• dishonest
• gossipy
• unsupportive
• competitive 
• angry
• and even abusive

Wait! How do I tell the difference? How do I know if I’m dealing with a wounded sheep or a wolf in sheep’s clothing?

Here’s where you want to be very careful. You can be around someone you think has a cold (they’re troubled) but they actually have TB (they’re toxic). 

If that’s true, how do you tell the difference between troubled manipulative and toxic manipulative? Troubled secretive and toxic secretive? Troubled lying and toxic lying? 

AND, does this change how you should help and handle this person?

The biggest trap that Christians fall into can be found in Gal 6:2 which says, “Carry one another’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

This scripture has twisted up many confused Christians to the point where they think they’re helping the troubled but actually, they’re being infected by the toxic.

The difference between troubled and toxic all comes down to intent. While only God knows the intent of someone’s heart, He does reveal the intent of others to those He loves, often in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.  

Sometimes it’s not just what you see, but what you DON’T see.

Here’s what’s lacking in a toxic relationship:

#1: Love

Oh, I know they say they love you. And they probably believe it. But love is not just a feeling. It’s not just contentment when all is going well. It’s a full-on commitment even when the preverbal poop hits the fan.

#2: Respect

God created you a unique individual with values and preferences of your own. Toxic people don’t just struggle with respect, they have utter contempt for others. (I know, I know, you want to believe the phony facade but the truth is, toxic people don’t respect you one bit.)

#3: Trust

Struggling to take a toxic person at their word? That’s because they don’t say what they mean or mean what they say. Not because they have trust issues–because they only care about themselves, and they change the rules to suit their desires. That’s why they say one thing one minute and another the next. That’s why they go back on their word and say, “I never said that.”

#4: Honor

Toxic people lack honor. They don’t value you for who you are; they only value you for what you can do for them. We are called to show honor even when we disagree with others. Toxic people can’t do that. Everything is their way or the highway (or at the very least, there’s a high price to pay).

#5: Accountability

If toxic people had a motto, it would be, “You ain’t the boss of me.” They do not believe they owe anyone, including you, an explanation. They are highly hypocritical when it comes to accountability, although YOU will have to answer for your every move. 

#6: Growth

Troubled relationships will grow together–painstakingly slowly, but they’ll grow. Toxic relationships won’t. You will stay in the same stagnated spot for years. In toxic relationships, the harder you try to grow together, the more alone you’ll feel.  

#7: Forgiveness 

When caught in a transgression, toxic people will not repent unless backed into a corner (and even then they don’t mean it.) To them, their reasons are excusable, while yours are intolerable. Every mistake and misstep you’ve ever made, can and will be used against you.

Which leads me to the last thing that toxic relationships are lacking:

#8: Safety

Even if your toxic person isn’t physically abusive, it’s likely that you don’t feel emotionally safe in their presence. You want nothing more than to share your hopes and hurts with them but you’re not in the presence of someone who can hold tenderly what matters to you. You will be scoffed at, ridiculed, gaslit, and criticized if they don’t agree.

THIS IS TOXIC

Difference #1 can be found when their traits are brought to light. A troubled person will possibly give a toxic knee-jerk reaction but then contemplate their actions later. Maybe they won’t apologize (for fear of reprimand), but they will work behind the scenes to change their behavior. 

A toxic person will hold firm and even defend their toxic kneejerk reaction. The more they defend it, the more entrenched they become in that toxic behavior.

Difference #2 can be found when you try to help them. While you may get met with occasional reluctance, troubled people can be appreciative of your love and support, even when it’s difficult to hear. They are typically more open to a discussion (as clunky as it may be) and they are more responsive to your compassion (as awkward as it may be). 

A toxic person will just take and take and take. They’ll manipulate you into believing that they will take your advice or fix the problem, but it’s all a ploy.  

In most cases, they will be defensive, resistant to change, and aggressive, and find some way to offset responsibility. But don’t worry, they’re more than happy to exploit your sympathy.  

So, how about when they’ve hurt you? Troubled people may contaminate you, but it will hurt them to know that they’ve hurt you. They may not know how to fix it, they may not be able to stop, but it WILL bother them. (Again, this isn’t an excuse, but let’s be honest–it does matter.) 

What you can expect to see from toxic people, however, is an array of denial, defensiveness, minimization, and often retaliation. Do not expect an apology because some way, somehow, they will spin it so that you’re the problem and they’re the victim.  

With a troubled person, you will go through periods of feeling drained and even a little knocked about, kind of like the common cold. But if your immune system is strong, you can persevere.  

Toxic people will be a constant infection. It’s like being around someone with tuberculosis. You’re GOING to get contaminated. And much like tuberculosis, you’re now left with the disease but unaware of its dangerous effects. 

This raises the question; how do I handle this person?

The problem with this is it’s much like sneezing–how many sneezes does it take to indicate a bigger issue? And once I realize the bigger issue, how much have I already been infected?

Well, it takes time and testing. You need to do your part. And no, your part is not to fix them. Your part is to speak the truth in love, share your heart and hurts, set solid boundaries, and then see how they respond.

My friend, I want you to stop absorbing their toxic traits and start observing. Watch what they do and say. Their response can be the biggest indication that this person is beyond troubled, they’re toxic. 

Don’t treat toxic people like they’re simply troubled. But be careful not to further enable a troubled person because, without proper boundaries, their troubled traits can turn quickly toxic.

Need proof that you’ve been abused by a narcissist? Be sure to check out this episode for the 10 clear signs.

And be sure to grab a copy of your FREE Toxic People Survival Guide to help you learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life.