Think narcissism is a new trend? Think again. Selfish, arrogant, and manipulative people have been around for a very long time, and even Jesus had to deal with them. If you’re wondering about dealing with narcissist, you’re not alone—Jesus faced them too.

That’s why I want to share with you the divine strategies Jesus used when dealing with narcissists and how you can apply His methods to ensure that toxic relationships don’t drain the life out of you. Stick around because I have a free tool that will help you navigate these egomaniacs with grace.

But first, I need to explain why you haven’t been able to model yourself after Jesus when dealing with these emotional vampires. Understanding this key concept will save you years of guilt and keep you out of the narcissist’s trap.

Have you ever been to a 3D movie? You walk into the theater, they hand you a pair of 3D glasses, and suddenly, the movie comes to life. But have you ever tried wearing those glasses outside the theater? Everything looks distorted and blurry, right?

That’s exactly what happens when you’re wrongly taught how Jesus wants you to interact with others, especially those who don’t have your best interests at heart. You can see, but not clearly, and that distorted view can lead to some serious mistakes.

Now, what if I told you that you might be wearing these ‘glasses’ all the time without even realizing it? You’ve likely been handed these glasses by a friend, a well-meaning family member, or maybe even the narcissist themselves. Not literal glasses, but ones that represent the distorted version of Jesus you’ve been taught. As a result, you’re trying to deal with toxic people in a way that’s not only unbiblical but also makes you a target for these life-sucking leeches.

Let’s put on the ‘right’ glasses and see how Jesus truly wants us to handle dealing with narcissist.

Understanding Jesus’ Approach:

The first trait of Jesus that often gets distorted reminds me of my friend Carla from high school. Carla had an older brother named Jake. Jake was a smart, good-looking young man but a constant source of stress for his family. Jake’s problems began early, from his disrespectful attitude towards his parents to stealing his mother’s jewelry for drug money. After several stints in rehab and multiple bribes for new cars (that ended up wrecking), Jake was no more mature and respectful at 32 than he was at 13. Jake wanted to live his own life with no regard for how he affected others, especially his family.

Mrs. Torres, his mother, was always so upset with him. I don’t think there was ever a time I hung out at Carla’s house without a blowout with Jake. But every time, I’d hear Mrs. Torres say, “If he wasn’t my son, oh, I would…” and then she’d list firm (some illegal) boundaries she would set with him if he wasn’t her son.

Then, as if set to a script, she would break down into tears, screaming about how she couldn’t do anything to hurt him because she loved him so much. The hurt she referred to was the suggestion from Mr. Torres to throw Jake out of the house.

One day, Jake did the unthinkable. He asked Carla to drive him to a friend’s house where he was arrested yet again, but this time, Carla was caught up in it. This was the point where everyone said, “That’s it, enough is enough.” This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but not for Jake’s mother. No matter what this young man did, she could not bring herself to kick him out of the house. “How could a loving mother do that to her own son?” she would say.

We often assume that because we are patient and tolerant of people, we are exemplifying the love of Jesus. But the truth is, it’s not love that we’re promoting; it’s sin that we’re enabling. Jake didn’t need patience and tolerance; Jake needed his mother to stop absorbing his consequences and allow him the opportunity to come to himself.

How many times have you avoided confrontation with a narcissist because you thought it wouldn’t be ‘loving’? How long have you stayed with someone who continues to sin against you, thinking you are called to show them the “love” of Christ? This ‘love’ is often coupled with the assumption that confrontation isn’t caring, but THAT couldn’t be further from the truth. Jesus did not shy away from confrontation when necessary. He knew when it was a waste of His time to try and help certain people, but there were several occasions where He openly rebuked the Pharisees and religious leaders for their hypocrisy, demonstrating that He was willing to confront toxic behavior head-on.

Here’s your biblical proof: Matthew 23:27-28 says, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside, you appear to people as righteous but on the inside, you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”

Whoa! You see, THAT’s the Jesus narcissists don’t want you to follow. The Jesus who calls out sin and doesn’t tolerate nonsense in the name of “love.” In fact, it’s His love that drives Him to bring such correction, as His heart is to redeem your soul, not make you comfortable in your sin.

You might be thinking, “I get it, I don’t want to enable someone, and I’ll definitely say something, but how do I deal with feeling overwhelming guilt when someone asks something of me that I don’t want to do? How is saying NO to someone’s need ‘Christ-like’?” There’s a common distortion among believers that Jesus was available for anyone and everyone who asked… after all, He was Jesus. He would never say no. That, my friend, is the biggest distortion. The belief that Jesus never had boundaries is not only unrealistic, it’s unbiblical.

Jesus came in human form, so He had the same human limitations we do: time, energy, desire, money, and resources… and He faithfully worked within those limitations. But He also knew His purpose for coming to this earth, and He would not allow any demon in hell or narcissist on earth to distract or derail Him from that purpose. Yes, we saw Jesus give and give of Himself—healings, teachings, miracles—yes. But never did you see Jesus waste His time on people who didn’t want to follow Him, deny their sin, and refuse to do their part. He didn’t spend hours, weeks, or months trying to convince them of a better way. He let them go and stayed focused on His purpose.

You too have a purpose, my friend. Satan knows that he can’t steal your salvation, but he can distract or derail you from your purpose in life. And it’s easily done through toxic people, especially narcissists. The narcissist he has the greatest success with is often the one closest to you. He will get you twisted up in false theology all in the name of being more like Jesus, while the one thing you need to do is the last thing you think is Christ-like: setting boundaries.

Jesus did it, so why shouldn’t you? Jesus set boundaries with those who were only interested in miracles rather than His message (check out John 6:15). He even set boundaries with the people He loved in Luke 5:16 when He would withdraw to desolate places and pray. We think we need to be everything to everyone, but even Jesus wasn’t. And He was Jesus. He was far more needed than you or me. Yet He still told the Pharisees to go scratch, wouldn’t let them make Him king, wouldn’t let them take from Him any more than He was willing to give, and wouldn’t reveal Himself before His time, no matter what anyone asked—including His mother. Jesus did set boundaries.

So this distorted notion that a loving Jesus would never say no is fundamentally flawed. It misses the point that Jesus’ love also involved challenging others to change and stop requiring others to do what they are fully capable of doing themselves.

Forgiveness:

Regardless of how much love you have and no matter how solid your boundaries are, you will inevitably have to exercise this next trait. But get this wrong, and it’s like installing a state-of-the-art alarm system for your home but leaving all the doors and windows wide open to intruders. This distorted trait is used to trap Christians everywhere. It’s the one that is thrown in your face every time they do something wrong and don’t want to talk about it. I’m sure you’ve heard it before… “Doesn’t Jesus command you to forgive?”

Oh, my friend, it’s enough to make any naive or insecure Christian step back and think, “Oh no, maybe he’s right… maybe I am being unforgiving, and I should back off.” Yes, we are called to forgive as evidenced by the biblical command in Luke 17:3-4. But the distorted notion that forgiveness means allowing others to continue harmful behavior towards us simply isn’t biblical. Jesus said, “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in the day and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” 

But here’s what that scripture DOESN’T say. He said forgive him; He didn’t say trust him. Even our Lord will continue to forgive but not trust. Why? Because He’s no fool.

He may forgive you for being wasteful with money, but it’s likely going to take a while before He trusts you with it again. He’ll forgive you for all the mistakes you bring to Him in repentance, but that does not mean that consequences will automatically be removed nor will trust be restored. The same is true for our relationships with narcissists. They are repeat offenders.

Whether they’re lying to save their skin or manipulating to serve their own selfish agenda, you’d better believe that you WILL have to exercise forgiveness with a narcissist. But if you are under the distorted misconception that forgiveness equals trust, that forgiveness equals restoration, my friend, you are heading back into the lion’s den with a target on your back, voluntarily.

So the next time your narcissist throws the forgiveness card in your face, you can stand firm and say, “I’m not struggling to forgive you; I’m struggling to trust you based on your actions. Are you willing to regain my trust, or are you expecting it to just be given?” With this line of questioning, you’ll quickly discover if you’re dealing with someone who truly wants restoration or is simply focused on manipulation.

Conclusion:

What you do from there can be the difference between sanity and a lifetime of arguing. To learn what God wants you to do when dealing with narcissist, watch this episode here. And as promised, I have your FREE Toxic People Survival Guide to help you identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life.