In the realm of challenging relationships, the influence of toxic individuals—especially narcissists—can be profound and destructive. As stated in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be sober-minded. Be watchful. Your adversary, the devil prowls around like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.” This verse serves as a reminder that while the enemy may not attack us directly, he often uses others, particularly narcissists, as pawns in his schemes. Today we’re going to cover some of the most common manipulation tactics of a narcissist.
Narcissists, driven by pride and arrogance, often lack the self-awareness to realize they’re enacting the devil’s plans but are typically eager participants nonetheless. They engage in manipulative tactics that can ensnare you without you even noticing. Today, we’re going to explore the insidious ways narcissists operate and how you can protect yourself from their control.
Narcissists often fall into two categories: overt and covert.
Overt Narcissists: The overt narcissist is going to control in very obvious ways. They’re going to talk down to you, belittle your opinions, and assert their superiority without shame. And they’re going to do this in front of people with care in the world about the consequences. In fact, they’ll even justify their behaviors.
Covert Narcissists: In contrast, the covert narcissist is far more cunning and elusive. The covert narcissist will carefully craft a public image that is the complete opposite of who they are. In public, they present themselves as kind and caring….even vulnerable. But behind closed doors they’re manipulating, undermining, dismissing, subtly, tearing you down. These tactics can be much more difficult to detect, but the damage is just as real.
Narcissists use specific, calculated games to control you and you might be caught in their trap, without even knowing it. So, what are these insidious tactics? And how can you protect yourself?
Let’s Explore The 9 Most Common Manipulation Tactics of a Narcissist
Tactic #1: Invalidation
Narcissists often dismiss your thoughts and feelings, making you feel unimportant or even ridiculous for expressing them. This tactic erodes your self-worth and fosters self-doubt, leading you to seek validation from the very person who is undermining you.
Tactic #2: Emotional Blackmail
Otherwise known as FOG – fear, obligation, and guilt to coerce compliance. They may threaten you, withdraw affection, or use guilt to ensure you conform to their demands. This tactic keeps you fearful of upsetting them, creating a cycle of compliance to avoid conflict.
Tactic #3: Stonewalling
Unlike overt narcissists who display anger more openly, covert narcissists often engage in a silent rage, giving you the cold shoulder as a means of punishment. This control tactic leaves you anxious and guessing what you did wrong, perpetuating tension within the relationship. The length of this silent treatment can vary drastically, further emphasizing their control.
John Gottman is a renowned marriage counseling expert who labels stonewalling as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, almost guaranteed to destroy a marriage or any relationship.
Tactic #4: Love Bombing
I also like to refer to this control tactic as ‘grooming’. You see, the covert narcissist will carefully select and cultivate their victims, often choosing ones that are empathetic, kind, and vulnerable. Grooming makes you more vulnerable to manipulation and control. It makes you increasingly reliant on the narcissist for emotional support, validation, attention, and affection.
Ever notice that you have uncannily similar likes and goals in life? It’s not a coincidence. It’s love bombing.
The covert narcissists are going to shower you with excessive attention and affection, and they do this to reel you in only to eventually devalue you. The courtship begins with you thinking this person is so wonderful, so great, so awesome! Before you know you’re thrown off balance and suddenly you’ve got that cognitive dissonance going on. Love bombing is just a control tactic, designed to throw you off balance.
Tactic #5: Triangulation
This is when the narcissist brings a third party into the relationship (real or imagined) in order to create jealousy, insecurity, and competition. This tactic is designed to keep you feeling inadequate, dependent, and constantly vying for the narcissist’s approval.
Its goal is to divide and conquer. A form of manipulation, triangulation involves the use of indirect communication, often behind someone’s back. It’s insidious and oftentimes flies under the radar. This is the one that a lot of people don’t pick up on, and you can easily find themselves totally trapped in.
Tactic #6: The Pity Party
This is a control tactic where the narcissist loves to play the victim. They’re going to exploit your compassion by portraying themselves as victims of circumstance. A lot of times, these covert narcissists often exaggerate or even fabricate hardships to elicit sympathy and then manipulate you into taking care of them.
They are masters at tapping into your empathy, and it’s going to make it difficult for you to set boundaries. You’re going to feel compelled to help them, but the problem at play here is they’re not truly victims – you simply got played.
Tactic #7: The Blame Game
Covert narcissists will refuse to take any responsibility for their actions. Instead, they’re going to blame you for everything that goes wrong, regardless of the facts. And I want you to remember this – Satan is the accuser of the brethren. Everything is going to get pushed back and over time, what happens is self esteem will begin to erode.
Why?
Because you are a compassionate, empathetic, kind, and sensitive person who’s willing to own their mistakes. You assume endless responsibility. But, this is a diversion game. It’s just another way to get what they want from you and avoid accountability.
The blame game is the avoidance of accountability…and it’s demonic.
Tactic #8: Projection
Want to know how to catch a narcissist in projection-mode? Just close your mouth and listen to the words that they’re accusing you of….because they will accuse you of the very things they themselves are guilty of!
It’s kind of like that preacher on the pulpit who’s preaching about purity, chastity, and “staying pure”, while secretly committing adultery. The narcissist projects because they can’t deal with their shame inwardly. Instead, they project it outwardly.
Projection can be very confusing and leave you questioning your own integrity.
Tactic #9: Gaslighting
Gaslighting involves the deliberate and systematic undermining of your perception of reality. It makes you question your own memories, your thoughts, and even your own sanity. It involves them denying, twisting, or distorting the facts, or flat-out telling you they’re not true. And what happens then? You question your memory, your perceptions, and your sanity.
My friend, you are not crazy.
This is just another control tactic that will leave you feeling confused, insecure, and actually dependent on the narcissist for validation. It’s a total mind game. Remember, these are control tactics designed to keep you off balance.
So what do you do?
- I want you to start trusting your discernment. Do not allow yourself to be captivated by their charm. I get it – you’re a loyal person and you want to stay devoted to the relationship, but I want you to start trusting your judgment. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
- If you’re sensing something is off, take it to the Lord in prayer. Start journaling to keep a record of the mind-mess of conversations and events the narcissist is subjecting you to. And this is not so you can use it against them. The narcissist does not care. This is for your clarity – so that you can begin to notice patterns.
- Seek support. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to a counselor, talk to your pastor, talk to somebody. One of the biggest problems you’ll experience when dealing with narcissists is that they love to isolate. When choosing who to talk to, I want you to be careful. This isn’t about gossiping or sharing personal information.
Talking to somebody who speaks the truth of God’s Word. Confide in Godly people. - The last thing I want you to do is set boundaries. Whether you need to limit your interactions or guard your heart – you need to start setting boundaries. Whatever you do, do not allow the lies and control tactics to penetrate you.
Recognizing and understanding these common manipulation tactics of a narcissist is the first step in reclaiming your power and breaking free from the cyclical control of narcissists. It’s crucial to keep your emotional health in check and establish boundaries to protect yourself from these manipulative behaviors.
Just know, you are not alone in this journey, and with awareness and support, you can overcome the grasp of toxic individuals in your life.
Need even more support in dealing with narcissistic tactics? Be sure to grab a copy of your FREE Toxic People Survival Guide. It’s chock full of education, with scriptures to pray and responses to say when you’re stuck in the middle of a narcissistic relationship.
