Everyone thought he was such a “nice” guy. It drove me crazy. If only they knew.

But here’s the thing—I thought he was nice too. His charm, politeness, and pleasant demeanor drew me in just like everyone else. He made everything feel fun, safe, and lighthearted. He was… nice.

Until he wasn’t.

What the world saw was starkly different from the version of him I knew behind closed doors. The public persona—the laid-back, agreeable, “nice guy”—was just a mask. And when I vented my frustrations to a friend, I’ll never forget her words:
“He is nice. But nice doesn’t mean good.”

When “Nice” Isn’t Good

Here’s what I didn’t understand back then: nice doesn’t mean godly, loyal, faithful, or strong. It doesn’t mean kindhearted, sacrificial, or trustworthy. Nice just means… pleasant.

And nice people—especially “nice” narcissists—can hide a lot behind their smiles.

Being with a “nice” narcissist feels like discovering an oasis in the desert. At first, it seems refreshing, and comforting—like someone you can rely on. But as you draw closer, you realize the water is shallow, the shade is fleeting, and everything they offer is designed to keep you chasing relief that never truly comes.

The Deceptive Traits of the “Nice” Narcissist

The “nice” narcissist is one of the hardest types to spot. Their charm, agreeableness, and kindness make it almost impossible to imagine they have toxic traits. Whether it’s a partner, parent, coworker, or even a pastor, they use subtle, calculated tactics to manipulate, control, and keep you tethered to them.

If you’ve ever felt confused or unsettled by someone’s kindness, you might be dealing with a “nice” narcissist.

Let’s Unpack Their Tactics and Fake Empathy Towards You.

1. Selective Helpfulness

At first glance, their helpfulness seems genuine. They step in at just the right time, offering support that feels like a lifeline. But as you get closer, you realize their help is conditional—carefully calculated to ensure you stay dependent on them.

True help leaves you feeling refreshed and empowered. But with the “nice” narcissist, you’re left feeling indebted, emotionally drained, and questioning whether you’re asking too much.

They’re not generous out of care; they’re strategic. Their kindness serves their ego, ensuring they’re seen as “the nice one” while keeping you reliant on their crumbs of support.

2. Performative Empathy

They’ve mastered the art of appearing empathetic. They know how to tilt their head just right, say the comforting words, and act as though they deeply care. But their empathy is a performance, not a reflection of their heart. This is a classic example of fake empathy.

True empathy flows from genuine concern, but the “nice” narcissist learns it like an actor learns their lines. You might experience fleeting moments when they seem emotionally present, but those moments vanish as soon as it no longer serves them. Their fake empathy keeps you believing they care, even when their actions show otherwise.

This inconsistency creates a trauma bond, chaining you to the hope that the “real” them will show up again—only to be left waiting.

3. Strategic Support

They’ll cheer you on, encourage your dreams, and even help you succeed—but only when it serves their agenda.

At first, their support feels genuine. But over time, you notice patterns: their encouragement fades when your growth threatens their control. Subtle sabotage begins, often masked by passive-aggressive comments like, “Don’t forget who helped you get here,” or “Must be nice to have time for that while I’m doing everything else.”

Their support was never about you—it was about maintaining power and keeping you tethered to their approval.

Their fake empathy makes it seem like they care about your success, but in reality, they only support you when it benefits them.

4. Shallow Connection

At first, it feels like you’ve found someone who truly sees you. They ask thoughtful questions, remember details, and mirror your emotions, creating the illusion of deep connection. But over time, you realize their “intimacy” never goes beyond the surface level.

True connection is transformational, but their connection is always transactional. You pour your heart out, but when you try to dig deeper with them, they deflect, withdraw, or change the subject.

This keeps you chasing a connection they’re incapable of providing, leaving you feeling unseen and doubting your expectations.

Why It’s So Hard to Walk Away

The “nice” narcissist doesn’t just manipulate with malice—they genuinely believe they’re loving, caring people. But love isn’t about words or appearances; it’s about consistency, sacrifice, and showing up without strings attached.

Here’s the truth: their “nice” persona is a tool to control, not to care. Their charm disarms you, their kindness keeps you hooked, and their support ensures you stay reliant on them.

Fake empathy is their most powerful weapon, making it difficult to see the truth behind their manipulations.

Breaking Free from the “Nice” Narcissist

Recognizing these patterns is the first step to freedom. Once you see through their tactics, you can stop chasing the mirage and start building relationships that are truly life-giving.

Here’s how to respond:

• Trust your discernment: If their kindness leaves you feeling confused or tethered, it’s a red flag.
• Set boundaries: Protect your emotional and mental space from their manipulative tactics.
• Seek godly counsel: Turn to Scripture and trusted advisors for wisdom and support.

Focus on transformational relationships: Invest in people who show up consistently and genuinely.

If this resonates with you, know you’re not alone. Many have been fooled by the “nice” narcissist—but you don’t have to stay trapped.

Want to go deeper?

• Watch “5 Clues to Spot a Christian Narcissist” here.

Grab your FREE Narcissist Survival Guide to help you navigate these tricky dynamics: Download it here.