Have you ever wondered why toxic people always seem to find their way into your life, no matter how hard you try to avoid them? You set boundaries, and keep your distance, and yet, somehow, you still attract narcissists and manipulators. Maybe you’ve even started questioning if it’s something about you that’s pulling these people in.
You’re not alone. The truth is, there’s a list of toxic traits that narcissists find irresistible—and chances are, you don’t even realize you possess them.
In this blog, I’m going to break down what those traits are, why you specifically have been targeted by toxic people, and most importantly, what you can do to stop attracting them and start repelling them.
Finding yourself repeatedly in relationships with narcissists can feel like being stuck in an emotional maze. Just when you think you’ve found a way out, you somehow end up right back where you started. It’s exhausting, and it can leave you wondering, “Why does this keep happening to me?”
There are several reasons this pattern might repeat, often involving a mix of personal history, emotional dynamics, and the specific list of toxic traits narcissists are drawn to.
Breaking Down the List of Toxic Traits
1. Past Trauma or Unresolved Childhood Issues
If you grew up in an environment where emotional manipulation, neglect, or narcissistic behavior was common—whether from a parent, caregiver, or family member—you might unknowingly seek out similar dynamics in adulthood.
These patterns can feel “normal” or even comfortable because they are what you’ve always known, even if they’re harmful.
When your early experiences involve emotionally unavailable or manipulative caregivers, it conditions you to tolerate these behaviors, creating a blind spot for red flags.
Narcissists can sense this tolerance and are naturally drawn to it because they know it makes it easier for them to enter your life and exert control. It’s like subconsciously choosing the same story over and over, thinking this time it might end differently, but the narrative stays the same.
So, if childhood trauma can condition you to overlook toxic behaviors, what about those traits that are inherently good?
2. Empathy and Compassion
Imagine this:
You’re the person everyone comes to with their problems because you have a big heart and always know the right thing to say.
You’re like the lifeboat in a storm, always ready to rescue others from their emotional struggles.
But what happens when the person in the storm doesn’t want to be saved—they just want to keep pulling you under?
That’s exactly what happens with narcissists.
They see your empathy as a resource they can drain.
They cling to you when they’re going under, again and again.
It’s like you’re well, always willing to give, but they never stop to think about whether the well might run dry.
Your empathy might be a double-edged sword. Imagine you’re a sponge—able to absorb the feelings and needs of those around you.
While this makes you a nurturing, caring person, it also makes you a perfect match for a narcissist, who is like a leaky faucet.
They drip constant emotional needs and manipulation, and instead of addressing the root of their dysfunction, they expect you to soak it all up, leaving you drained.
But what happens when something even more desperate enters the mix?
3. Low Self-Esteem or Codependency
Imagine you’re trying to hold onto something fragile, like a glass vase.
You know it’s delicate, so you grip it tightly, afraid that if you let go even a little, it might shatter.
That’s what it feels like when you’re dealing with low self-esteem or codependency in a relationship with a narcissist.
You cling to the relationship, believing that if you just do more, give more, or try harder, everything will stay intact.
But here’s the problem: narcissists love that quality about you and know how to take advantage of it. They dangle approval, affection, or validation just out of reach, keeping you in a constant state of pursuit—trying to prove your worth, while they manipulate your need for affirmation.
If low self-esteem or codependency makes you more vulnerable by putting you in the role of caretaker, what happens when someone comes along who seems to be the perfect answer to everything you’ve ever wanted?
4. Attraction to Charismatic Individuals
It’s like being in a drought and finally getting a downpour of rain. You’re parched, craving validation, affection, and love.
Then, this person—full of charm and charisma—comes along and suddenly, you’re drenched in all the attention and admiration you’ve been longing for.
But here’s the problem: narcissists are masters of illusion.
They know how to love-bomb you, pouring attention on your thirsty soul, making you reliant on them for further validation.
So, if being drawn to charisma and charm leaves you vulnerable, what happens when those red flags start to show?
5. Lack of Boundaries
Think of boundaries as the walls protecting a city.
When those walls are strong and well-guarded, it’s hard for any enemy to invade.
But if there are cracks in the wall, or worse, if the gates are left wide open, it’s easy for someone with bad intentions to slip in unnoticed.
Narcissists are experts at finding those weak spots and exploiting them.
If you struggle with boundaries, you’re essentially leaving the door wide open for them to manipulate and take advantage of your kindness.
They don’t just step over your lines—they bulldoze right through them, taking more and more until you’re left wondering how things got so out of control.
Steps for Breaking the Cycle:
- Healing Past Trauma: Addressing unresolved childhood trauma or past relationship wounds through therapy or counseling can help you identify and break patterns that draw narcissists into your life.
- Building Self- and Christ-Esteem: Knowing who you are and whose you are can be a major repellent for the takers in your life.
- Learning to Set Boundaries: Developing strong, healthy boundaries will make it much more difficult for narcissists to manipulate and control you.
- Yield to Red Flags Early: Instead of justifying and rationalizing red flags, acknowledge them for what they are, and take action before the situation worsens.
- Be Healthy: It’s not easy finding safe, godly people to support you. The best first step is becoming the healthy individual you wish to attract into your life.
Repeated relationships with narcissists can stem from a variety of factors, including past trauma, empathy, low self-esteem, or attraction to their charismatic nature.
Understanding this list of toxic traits and how they play into relationships with narcissists is just the beginning. By taking steps to heal, set boundaries, and build self-worth, you can break the cycle and invite healthy connections into your life.
Knowing these traits about yourself is only half the battle. There are clear signs you’re dealing with a wolf in sheep’s clothing. To find out the signs of a “Christian” narcissist, check out this post here.
Also, be sure to grab your FREE Narcissist Survival Guide.
