You’ve done your research. And you now believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you’re dealing with a narcissist.

You know it.

They know it.

They know you know.

Now what?

Today, I want to dive deep into the pathetically predictable pattern you can expect to see when a narcissist is exposed by God. This pattern will prove to you once and for all that it’s not all in your head AND give you the clarity needed to answer the question: do I stay or do I go?

To start, we need to clarify once and for all that it doesn’t matter who the potential narcissist may be—parent, pastor, partner, sibling, coworker, or friend—God WILL expose the narcissist.

No matter who your narcissist is, it’s likely you spent years being confused by the mixed messages, the lies, the manipulation, and don’t even get me started on the gaslighting! Or perhaps you’ve had so many twisted bible scriptures thrown at you that you’ve become a pro at dodging them. But God in his faithfulness has brought you out of confusion and into clarity.

it’s like the blinders have been removed.

You’re no longer fooled by the craziness and you see with crystal clarity that this person only cares about themself. And then you can expect THIS.

Confusion comes knockin’ all over again.

Because now they know you know. They’ll never verbally admit it, but they know the tide has turned, and the jig is up. Unless they have someone else to fall back on, get ready my friend–it’s about to get more toxic.

Expect This Predictable Pattern, when a narcissist is exposed by God

Narcissists are very observant people, especially of anything that concerns them.

Once they sense that you’re hip to their tricks, they get flustered, nasty, defensive, or avoidant. It’s these initial reactions that you need to focus on, as you’re going to need to refer back to this later in the final phase of their reaction. (Which is what we’ll get to shortly.)

After this initial toxic reaction, you can then expect to see a slightly different narcissist.

Phase 1:

They will employ any effort necessary to get things back to ‘normal.’

This phase is a little easier to detect as they will go to whatever behavior has worked in the past. If intimidation had a high success rate, they will come in strong with that. If guilt was the go-to, you’d get an extra dose.  

Whatever has worked in the past, expect an amped-up version of that.

But hold firm, my friend—the ride has just begun.

Enter Phase 2:

Threats, insults, rage—anything to trigger you, so that YOU react.

They do this so they can now look at your toxic reaction and say, “See, you’re the problem. If you were more patient, kind, understanding, and weren’t so nasty, critical and controlling.”

In their mind, they feel better because you’ve just proven (to them of course) that your toxic reaction means you’re the problem.

But you’re not phased. Nonsense like that would have killed you in the past, but not now. 

Get ready for phase 3:

I have to warn you. THIS is where it gets confusing. THIS is where they get you to let your guard down and bring your hope up.

Stick with me.

When the go-to tactics don’t work, when the entrapment fails, THEN comes the apology.

At this point, you’re likely wondering, Maybe they’ve changed? What if they finally get it?

It’s possible. But not probable.

So I want to prepare you for what will likely be the most confusing of all the stages.

The apology that’s packaged as THE VICTIM. 

You see, now they come to you deflated. You’ve not backed down. You’ve not given in to the manipulation tactics of a narcissist. You’ve held strong. Good for you!

But if you’re not careful, you can mistake deflation for surrender.  

Here is where they play the victim because you’ve triggered their shame response.  

And if you’ve struggled with an angry narcissist, you may think that they’ve come to themselves because they’re so ‘defeated.’ 

This unfortunately is what lands most people right back in the lion’s den.

THIS is where you may get met with apologies and think God can redeem anyone and maybe your prayers are paying off. 

Perhaps.

But perhaps it’s just a ploy.  

Your optimism is based upon God’s power, NOT their behavior. 

Yes, all things are possible with God. But God’s power is not in question here, the narcissists behavior is.  

So how do you know the difference?  

Give it time. 

Keep holding your boundaries by not allowing things to go back to ‘normal,’ and see how they react.

I know this is the hardest part, because you want to believe they’ve changed. You want to embrace the person you’ve always hoped they’d be. But WAIT.

If they are truly repentant, they will understand that they’ve got a lot of work to do to rebuild your trust, and it’s going to take time.  

They will no longer blame and justify, but rather take responsibility. They will be talking to a pastor or a counselor on a regular basis for an extended period of time. They will constantly seek to understand how they’ve hurt you and take ownership for it. Then you go to counseling together. And after a long period (I don’t have an exact number but it’s longer than six minutes and shorter than six years) THEN you start to slowly let this person back into your life. Your trust still needs to be earned. And you do this in small test periods.

But Kris, wait. That’s so much work and it could take forever. I just want things to go back to better than normal.  

Be careful, your impatience can land you right back in trouble. Because you have to give it time to see if they have truly changed as a result of God’s exposure.

If they haven’t, their apology is likely nothing more than an improved manipulative attempt to get back into your good graces to get things back to what they want.

Enter phase 4:

They now know that you’re not taking the bait. You’re not intimidated by their threats and you no longer rely upon them for your emotional wellbeing. Their old tactics don’t work.

In this phase, you may find that they may say sorry one minute but justify their behavior the next.

And if you’re not careful, you can end up right back in the same confusion you started off in.

Because the truth is, they’re not really sorry. Oh, they are sorry that THEIR life is disrupted. 

AND now here’s the big one!  Here’s the pattern to watch out for.

When they repent and you don’t automatically let them back into your good graces, WATCH what will happen next.  

They will default right back to the initial reaction you received in the phase 1.

Yup, full circle. They’ll blame you. They’ll accuse you of being unforgiving.

But if you stand your ground my friend. God will show you with crystal clarity EXACTLY what you’re dealing with.

When a narcissist is exposed they try to thrive through convenience. Make their life and behaviors easy and they’re good.

But call them out and watch out.

They have no desire to put in any effort to a relationship. They honestly believe that their presence alone is all they need to bring to the table. 

If you have something they need, they’ll try to trick you into thinking they’ve changed. If you don’t. They leave.

And while all of this can feel incredibly distressing and time-consuming, I want to encourage you through the powerful words found in Romans 8:31: “What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

The truth is, everything I’ve just told you will leave you feeling confused if you don’t understand God’s plan in the months following a narcissistic relationship.  To learn how to get ready for a divine detox post-narcissism, check out this episode next.

And if you’re ready to learn how to identify and deal with all the difficult people in your life, be sure to grab a copy of the Toxic People Survival Guide here.