Being in a marriage with a narcissist can leave you feeling like you’ve got only two choices: resign yourself to a life of misery, or divorce a narcissist.
Before you make a decision that will change your life forever, I want to talk to you about three categories to consider before you decide to divorce a narcissistic spouse.
With a multitude of twisted scriptures, it can be difficult to determine the most biblical action for your situation. So by the end of our time together, I hope that you will have greater peace in understanding God’s will for your situation and that you will have an answer to the question that I get asked more than any other question.
Will God let me divorce a narcissist?
To do that we need to address three categories: the justified, the baseless, and the plausible.
The first category is going to be the most important to dive into but be careful not to automatically assume that you fall into this category, as most don’t.
Category #1: the Justified
These are the people who have a justifiable reason to leave the marriage.
The first justification is found in Matthew 19:9 where it states that we shouldn’t divorce except in cases of infidelity. So, the first justified reason is when there is betrayal in the marriage.
Infidelity is a justification for divorce. You’re not in the wrong. You’re not sinning against God. You’re free to leave. You don’t have to, but you’re free to.
Within the church, that’s where you’ll find that justification stops—no infidelity, no recourse. But infidelity isn’t the only time when God allows for divorce.
The next is abandonment.1 Corinthians 7:15 states, But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases, the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you[b] to peace.
Yet another reason is neglect or abuse. Narcissistic relationships are defined by the selfishness of one partner at the expense of the other. So instead of using scriptures like “God hates divorce” as a weapon, perhaps we should acknowledge how much God hates abuse. In fact, the scripture “God hates divorce” was written because the men were abusing their roles and discarding their wives at will.
So let’s talk about this justification of abuse. Abuse can be defined as extreme danger or harm; physically, mentally, or emotionally.
To tell a victim of abuse that he/she needs to stay and suffer further abuse is further victimizing the innocent.
Some may say that “no divorce” is a hard and fast rule in scripture. And I agree that it should not be abused, but we also find in scripture where there are many cases where the ‘rules’ are broken:
- Jesus talking to the woman at the well
- Healing on the Sabbath
- David eating the showbread
- Instructing Ezekiel to eat unclean food
We even see Abigail going behind her husband Nebal’s back because of his destructive behavior, all to save life.
And we have scriptures that appear to contradict themselves like, turn the other cheek–but if they persecute you flee.
That’s because you have to apply godly wisdom and not an unbending law.
Telling someone that they have to stay in a toxic, abusive marriage actually condemns the guiltless and vindicates the abuser.
So, if there are exceptions in all of these other cases, it would make sense that there are exceptions in the case of marriage as well.
My friend, if you are in an abusive situation, go. Get you and your children to safety, even if it’s temporary.
I think it’s evil to further victimize someone in these situations by telling them that they simply need to turn the other cheek, forgive, and forbear.
We need to get better at encouraging others to get out of abusive situations.
But I want to talk about the flip side of abuse for just a moment because this comes with a huge caveat. The majority of the people claiming abuse are not actually being abused, and that makes it harder for others who are truly being abused.
Most people who simply can’t find a way to better communicate with their spouse will claim abuse.
Most who have checked out of the marriage and don’t like how they’re being treated will claim abuse.
Most who’ve had past trauma and can’t handle any form of assertiveness will claim abuse.
Please do not abuse the word abuse. It is a harsh and horrible accusation that is so easily thrown around because it’s so difficult to prove.
Abuse of the word abuse happens when you have a distorted retelling of the story. I realize that you may believe you are suffering abuse, especially if you’ve told yourself that for a long time, but I want to challenge you.
How is it that one person can hold their own in an argument while someone else will cower in the corner and cry?
Yes, our spouses should be considerate of our feelings, but we must be very careful not to make our past pain their responsibility. This can create a very toxic dynamic that is two-sided.
However, I can’t NOT address this topic because of those who will take advantage of the opportunity to claim abuse.
Now that I got that out of the way, for the sake of our time today, let’s assume that we are dealing with real abuse (which is what narcissists are….abusive). If you are dealing with name-calling, threats, constant criticism, and gaslighting, you don’t need physical scars to say that situation is abusive.
I believe that abuse is a form of breaking the marital covenant. So what do you do? We’ll touch on that in just a few moments.
The next category is one that is sadly abused by far too many Christians who get their advice from the world and not the bible. These are baseless.
Category #2: the baseless
Unfortunately, this is the category that many who are entertaining divorce will fall into. They’re not so much looking for biblical solutions as they are a justification to do what they’ve already decided in their hearts to do.
Sadly, you don’t have to search far for people who will encourage you to live your life, with advice like “God would want you to be happy” and “God wouldn’t want you to be treated that way”
These are the ‘Christians’ who will claim irreconcilable differences, which are found nowhere in the bible.
I’ve even seen people make up scriptures to suit their narrative. Like 2 justification 2:15, “Hey if you can’t see eye to eye anymore, then just break the covenant and move on. After all, God wants you to be happy.”
So to think that just because your spouse has narcissistic traits qualifies as grounds for divorce, I’m sorry, but that would be considered baseless.
However, depending on what those traits are and the severity of them, you could fall into category #3.
Category #3:The Plausible
In these cases, maybe one spouse has a temper but not enough to call the police. Maybe one is severely taking advantage of another, or there are behaviors happening where lines are grey—such as, there’s no adultery, but severe flirting. Or, there’s no stealing but maybe one partner is irresponsible with money. Or maybe relationship killers have crept into the marriage–things like stonewalling and contempt.
In these cases, a separation might be an option.
I’m not saying that you should separate. However, there are some cases where one spouse is completely disregarding the needs and well-being of the other. In other words, they appear to be married in title only. There’s no partnership. In these cases, before you jump to divorce a narcissist, perhaps consider a separation.
This would ONLY be an option after intensive counseling has been pursued.
In these instances, the goal of separation would be to work individually and collectively on the marriage while still getting some breathing room. I’m not referring to separation as the world defines it, which is simply a formality before getting a divorce. I’m talking about separation with the intent of reconciliation.
If you are at the place of considering divorce, I don’t want you to just take the advice of some YouTube video.
Many of you have been in a bad situation for a long time but if you’re being honest, you’ve contributed to some degree. Maybe you’re at a point where you’re saying “Enough is enough, I’ve tried everything.”
Now, unless you’re in the first category where you need to get to safety, please consider this: Instead of focusing your complaints outward and your pity inward, consider focusing on personal and spiritual growth while praying fervently for your spouse.
That would look like: getting with a good Christian counselor, a pastor, or a godly friend to help you work through, perhaps, the codependency that’s kept you trapped in the relationship, the toxic responses you’re justifying, the inability to stand up for yourself in a godly manner, the negative thoughts that are consuming your mind—whatever it is that is going on with you.
May I suggest that you apply Psalm 139:23: Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts.”
I’m not saying this is your fault. But think of it like this: If you allow God to do His work in you and this marriage works out, you’ll be a better person and you’ll be in a better relationship.
If you allow God to work in you and this marriage doesn’t work out, you’ll still be a better person.
Either way, you win with God.
This decision should not be taken lightly nor on emotion. I get it—it’s likely been bad for a long time and you’ve had enough. If you are not in harm or danger and there’s been no betrayal of the marital vows, may I suggest you take the steps necessary to lay out your expectations and hopes for the separation and see what the Lord does.
Who knows? It could be the very thing that turns things around. Or it could be the very move that releases you.
I hope that you will leave it all in God’s hands. Watch what He can do.
One thing’s for sure, that I think we can both agree on: it can’t stay the way it is.
My friend, I pray that God will give you His divine wisdom. I pray your heart will be healed from the hurts of the past. And whether you stay or divorce a narcissist, I pray that you will be a shining example of God’s grace.
Did you know that extended time with a narcissist can open demonic doors in YOUR life? To find out the 7 demons that could be infecting you, read this next.
And if you’ve ever wondered what type of people pleaser you are, go ahead and take this free quiz. Am I a People Pleaser Quiz? Discover Your Type.
