Have you ever felt tricked by someone? Like the person you thought they were wasn’t the person they really are? It can be confusing and dysregulating. Worse, it can make you wonder, am I going crazy?
That’s why I want to help you grow in your discernment by learning the 5 clues to spot a ‘narcissistic Christian, so you don’t ever have the wool pulled over your eyes by these wolves in sheep’s clothing again.
And the best person to teach us this is Fred.
Fred is a banker and in his first few months of training, he was quite surprised as to how he was going to learn how to spot counterfeit money.
Fred thought for sure he would learn all about counterfeit money, what it looks like, how it feels, and what he needs to do when he finds it. He was confident that his training would help him spot a fake from a mile away.
But boy was Fred wrong. For his first two weeks on the job, Fred spent all of his time in the back office counting real money. Tens, twenties, hundreds, and even thousand dollar bills, over and over and over again.
Fred asked his supervisor, how is this going to help me? And the supervisor responded by saying, “Counterfeit money changes, but the real thing remains the same. If you know what the real thing is, you’ll easily be able to spot a counterfeit.”
The same is true for toxic people, especially narcissists. How can you expect to spot the fake if you’ve rarely encountered the real?
Most of us have learned toxic behavior from toxic people, so when other toxic people come along, they look, feel, and even smell familiar. And we LOVE familiar.
That’s why I want to pull you out of your familiar zone and train you to spot this narcissist Christian before they wreak any more havoc in your life.
Clue #1: How they respond to intimacy
I’m not talking about sex. I’m talking about connection–deep emotional, intimate connection. It doesn’t matter who the narcissist Christian is–parent, partner, or friend–you likely want to connect with them on a deeper level and share your heart and hurts. After all, God calls us to be in a relationship with others. But trying to connect emotionally with a narcissist is like watering a plastic plant. No matter how much you pour, it will never grow.
That’s because narcissists are hollow individuals. They only look to connect with people for their gain. Their ‘Christian’ facade may present well on the outside, but inside they’re a shallow shell of a person. It’s like an empty electrical outlet—the cover is there but there’s nothing to connect with.
But if you’re the type eager for any kind of connection, you may find yourself pulling the weight for both of you in the relationship.
How about those people that you just met? The guy you swipe right on the dating app, the fellow volunteer you met at the church fundraiser…
These connection crooks are only looking for what serves their purpose at the moment. Maybe it’s at a party and they’re avoiding eye contact with you and looking around for someone else to scam—I mean, talk to–if you don’t suit their needs.
If you do, they will create imitation intimacy, where they feign interest and lay on the charm to make you feel special so they can set you up for the take. My friend, this may be all too familiar to you.
So here’s what I want you to look for instead.
True intimacy in relationships has deep emotional connections, trust, and vulnerability CONSISTENTLY. You have open and honest communication where you both feel safe and heard.
They will make eye contact, share experiences, show empathy, and make you a priority. No, not likely all of the time, but you certainly won’t have to fight for your worth in truly intimate relationships.
Clue #2: How they respond to criticism
Have you ever walked away from a conversation apologizing for what you said or how you said it even though you didn’t do anything wrong? And the original thing you were upset about never got addressed??
That’s the dynamic you’re dealing with in narcissistic relationships. You likely don’t understand what’s happening because you’re open to honest feedback and assume that others are too.
Not so with the narcissist Christian. Their reactions are rooted in their fragile self-esteem, despite having an outward appearance of confidence.
[b-roll: confident man or woman (more serious than silly)]
And if you’re the type to mistake arrogance for confidence, you too can be swayed into believing that you are dealing with a secure person able to accept critique.
But this coin is not two-sided.
Narcissists are your classic ‘dish it out but can’t take it’ people. That’s because their motive in criticism is control, which is likely why they always call you a control freak.
True Christians actually appreciate feedback, even when it stings. They view it as an opportunity for growth and learning. They let the spirit rule–not their ego. They don’t let their ego dominate even if it just took a hit.
Clue #3: How they talk about themselves
Narcissists are marked by pride. Conversations with them will be filled with “me” and “I.”
In life, there are talkers and non-talkers, introverts and extroverts, but narcissists are a different breed. They thrive off of others. In fact, they can’t survive without your supply.
Their ego needs constant stroking and validation, so conversations with them will always be focused on their accomplishments, their desires, and their goals. Their successes will be exaggerated and their failures will ALWAYS be someone else’s fault.
A narcissist’s behavior will fly in the face of Romans 12:3: “For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.”
So narcissists may give God glory in words, but in their hearts, they are their rock star.
And if you don’t recognize that too, your time together will be short-lived. They will talk over you, cut you off, and progressively get louder as they fight for center stage.
Instead of mistaking arrogance for confidence, here’s what I want you to look for healthy, safe people who enjoy mutual dialog. They celebrate your successes without envy. They listen actively (not just long enough to respond), and they easily validate your feelings (even if they don’t understand). This approach is what makes clue #1 possible in healthy relationships and impossible in narcissistic ones.
Clue #4: How they respond to your needs
As Christians, we’re taught to look to the needs of others. We’re taught to put others first. We’re taught to think less of ourselves. But here is where many Christians fall prey to this wolf in sheep’s clothing: they will completely surrender themselves and their needs to the narcissist, thinking they’re doing God’s will but they’re stepping into the fiery furnace.
Narcissists are self-centered takers. They may volunteer at fundraisers, feign sincerity, and fake empathy, but even their giving has a selfish motive.
So if you are the type to meet their needs, it won’t be appreciated, it will be expected. Life is all about them. Your needs are a nuisance. And they do not tolerate being inconvenienced.
So be sure to take a step back and watch how they CONSISTENTLY respond to your needs. Not just once in a while when they’re worried about how others will perceive them, but day in and day out.
If you’re the type to drop everything to help those you love, sadly this could make you a target for these parasitic freeloaders.
Here’s what I want you to look for instead:
True biblical Christians will know their limits and not let others take advantage of them. No, they won’t live life suspiciously, but they will put their needs on equal ground to yours and when you truly do need something, they’ll be the first ones to help. Look for people that ask how you’re doing and follow up on previous conversations.
Clue #5: How they use scripture
This is a dead giveaway but can be very difficult to detect if you don’t have discernment. We’re often fooled into thinking someone is super spiritual if they easily quote scripture. That’s a mistake you may not recover from because even the devil knows scripture.
The narcissist’s use of scripture is simple: it’s to bolster themselves and control you. That’s it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the worship of God.
Scriptures like: God will bless me. Not you. Me.
And, submit yourself to me and honor me means that God is giving ME the authority to hold YOU accountable. But if you try to hold me accountable, then I will call you a judgmental Pharisee.
If the narcissist had a nickname it would be Hypocrite.
They believe that rules don’t apply to them–just you.
True bible believing Christians on the other hand will also use scripture to hold you accountable, but not to them—to God. They will use scripture to guide you, comfort you, and inspire you to be more like Jesus. They will handle you AND the scriptures with humility and compassion. Because they know the transforming power that lies within God’s word, they have no need for brute force and manipulation.
Clue #6: How they handle emotional ups and downs
Narcissists are notoriously unstable people, especially emotionally. The slightest threat to their fragile ego and you’ll see a completely different person.
Narcissists are fragile, weak individuals who thrive off of people and circumstances. That’s why their attitude, mood, and behavior can change like the wind, leaving you the one second-guessing yourself.
You may be tempted to think, Oh, maybe I was too harsh on them. Oh, I should assume the best. After all, God forgave me.
But forgiveness has nothing to do with it. It’s trust. I can’t trust someone who isn’t the same person minute by minute. I can’t trust someone who says one thing but does another. I can’t trust someone who changes the rules as we go.
The reason you feel like you’re on shaky ground with this person is because you are. They’re unstable.
Yes, even healthy people have bad moods and hangry responses from time to time,
but it’s not a consistent ground-shifting that leaves you feeling like the problem. They may need a little time to regroup, but they will have an appreciation for how they may have affected you and will be quick to repent. But with safe people, this is few and far between as they are secure in who they are, so they are solid in how they treat you.
If you’re tired of falling victim to the emotional and psychological tactics of the narcissist Christian, be sure to click here for the 11 demonic mind games narcissists use to manipulate you.
Significant time with a narcissist can mold you into a people pleaser. To find out what type you are, be sure to take our FREE People Pleaser Quiz to Discover Your Type.
