Have you ever been so fed up with a narcissist’s behavior that you just wanted to call them out, tell them off, and expose their lies? Hold on!

Before you take that leap, you need to know something crucial. What if I told you that exposing the narcissist will backfire in ways you never imagined? In this blog, we’re diving deep into why confronting them is a bad idea, what they’re likely to do in response, and the surprising alternative God has for you.

But first, I want to share a story about Brenda. Brenda came to me years ago, overwhelmed by the realization that not only was her mother manipulative, but her 32-year-old daughter exhibited severe narcissistic traits. For years, Brenda believed her mother’s lies, thinking she was damaged and disrespectful. She took on the responsibility of trying to make her daughter more respectful and appreciative, never realizing the true nature of their behaviors.

When Brenda finally understood what was really happening, she was ready to expose her narcissistic mother and her daughter. With her daughter, she wanted to share what she had learned about narcissism, hoping to open her eyes and stop the abuse. But with her mother, Brenda was done.

She was fed up with the lies and the blame that she had suffered her entire life. She saw through her mother’s manipulative, gaslighting tactics and was determined to let her know she was onto her.

“She’ll have no choice but to stop once she knows I’m onto her,” Brenda told me confidently. “Brenda, are you sure about that?” I asked. “Yes, why wouldn’t I be? Now I know, and she needs to know that I know,” she insisted.

Despite my advice to proceed cautiously, Brenda confronted both her mother and her daughter. She was loving but firm, ready to set the boundaries she had rehearsed in her mind for a week. But then, something unexpected happened. Both discussions spiraled into a toxic quagmire, leaving Brenda drained, confused, and feeling out of control.

“What went wrong?” she asked me, bewildered. “I was loving with my daughter and firm with my mother. What happened? It’s like it backfired on me.”

I kept my mouth shut with the thought “I tried to warn you” lingering in my mind. Brenda’s situation is, unfortunately, all too common.

Whether your narcissist is a conniving coworker, a manipulative mother, an entitled child, or a childish spouse…

You’ve likely reached a point where you finally have a name for what you’ve been experiencing. You finally understand that their behavior is just as destructive as you sensed it was. You’re done beating yourself up and you’re ready to call it out. You’re ready to call out the lies, the inconsistencies, the exaggerations, the half-truths, the manipulations… You’re done holding it in. If there’s any hope for them to change, if there’s any hope to keep your sanity, you feel you have to say something.

Maybe you simply want to point out the contradictions in their stories so you can both finally get on the same page. Maybe they consistently say one thing one day and the complete opposite the next. Maybe your husband blames you for him having to work so hard, despite how many times you’ve begged him to retire because “he loves what he does.” So you ask, which is it… you love what you do, or you’re doing this because I’m making you? The truth is, the answer is whatever suits that moment, whatever makes them look like the hero and the victim. Neither is true and both are true. But since they can’t take responsibility for themselves and they feel like better victims, they will default to blaming you when they feel out of control and taking credit when things are going well. My friend, you’re never going to win that challenge.

Why? You’re trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. You keep beating yourself up for not being able to ‘say it better,’ when the truth is, life with a narcissist is like building a house on shifting sand.

So how do you stop feeling like you’re on a rickety rowboat that could tip at any moment?

First, you need to remember: Narcissists don’t see their problems, but they will see you as a problem if you try to point them out.

Secondly, most healthy people want their deluded thinking challenged. You have to remember, the narcissist is NOT a healthy person. There’s nothing you’re going to do to make them healthy. In fact, the more you try, the more their “unhealthiness” is exposed. They have to remain in that delusion to feel good about themselves.

So you’re challenging their words and backing them into a corner. Because you can see clearly that everything they’re saying is bologna, but if you keep backing them into a corner, you won’t be met with a meek puppy; you’ll be met with a rabid dog. The defenses will turn into a full-blown attack, not only blaming you for the original situation but also adding additional charges. Now you’re blamed for stressing them out, for ruining the weekend, for being a control freak, for being a nitpicker who can’t let things go. They lash back with comments like: “You see I’m stressed out and you just keep badgering me.”

My friend, there are times when we do need to back off. We do need to have better discernment with our timing. But when you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you better be prepared to always have to back off to keep the peace. And no, this is not the kind of peace the Bible talks about. Because no matter what you say, no matter what you do, it will always be your fault. 

And I get it. That’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re a good person who tries to do right by this person. Especially if you are a solution-oriented person who can see the problem that needs fixing.

Maybe you’ve given them ten, twenty, or thirty years of marriage, raised their children, supported their endeavors, and created a lifestyle so they could thrive, and now your eyes are open.

Your instinct is to go to this person and try to explain what you’re seeing in hopes that their eyes will be opened. But instead of open eyes, you’re met with snarling teeth.

You might be tempted to think that maybe you are the problem. Everything seemed fine when you didn’t bring anything up. Everything was okay before you tried to make it better. It wasn’t okay – and you know it. That vicious rabid dog was lying dormant all this time. And it’s not your fault that he or she is attacking. It’s not your responsibility to keep this ferocious animal from attacking you. And it’s certainly not your fault if they do.

I was once in a relationship with a guy who presented as so calm and laid back, but when someone ticked him off, he went nuts. He would say, “I’m a super nice guy, but when someone makes me mad, that’s it, all bets are off.” He actually thought this was something to brag about. In essence, he was saying, “I’m a really nice guy and YOU’RE making me into a monster.” No, no, the monster was always there, and he didn’t know how to control it.

And don’t even think about going back to them after an interaction where your feelings have been hurt. They are not the type to lovingly hold your feelings and work through them. They will not apologize and recognize where they’ve gone wrong, even if it was unintentional. Instead, you will be blamed for not being able to let things go, for rehashing the past (even if the past was just yesterday), and for always looking to hurt them.

Maybe they do kind of apologize for something, but because it’s still not sitting well with you and you need resolve, you start digging deeper. Watch how quickly that apology goes out the window. The “I’m sorry” that you were met with 10 minutes ago rages right back to their arrogant, victim-like defensiveness, which, I’m hoping, by this point you’re realizing proves that the apology meant nothing.

Call them out and watch out.

And if there is any area that they have worked at improving, BEWARE. There’s only one thing worse than a narcissist, and that’s a self-improved narcissist. They honestly believe that what you and I would consider a minor change is a transformation for all to admire and model after.

Narcissists are self-focused, deluded, grandiose victims. That’s the narrative they carry through life. To let go of that narrative means they will have to assume responsibility for their actions and right their wrongs. They can’t and won’t do that.

So when you step in thinking you’re going to have a healthy dialogue that helps both of you grow together, I’m hoping you can see that your thinking is deluded and your hope is displaced.

And if that’s not bad enough, here’s the worst part of all. This is the train wreck you’ll never see coming. Narcissists can get under your skin, into your head, and burrow themselves like a parasite. And they don’t even realize it. No, this doesn’t take them off the hook, but I want you to track with me for just a moment on how your fight starts off relationally and ends spiritually.

Satan will slither his way in when you least expect it during these difficult relationships. He’s the ultimate parasite that wants to hide beneath the surface. So even after you’ve cut contact, sought help, and set boundaries, he still has inside access to wreak havoc in your life.

So what is this surprising trap?

It’s when YOUR focus is all about them: getting them to see what they’ve done wrong, caring what they think, being blown away by another selfish move, needing to speak your mind because they have to know… my friend, this is all a trap for YOU.

Give in to this mindset and you’ve just taken demonic bait.

These demons will keep you trapped – trapped in your mind and trapped in your emotions. It’s all you can think about setting the record straight, defending your good name, putting them in their place. But what slips right through your fingers is the glorious, victorious life God had planned for you.

So how do you avoid this demonic death grip without exposing the narcissist?

When it comes to speaking your mind to a narcissist, you may be wondering if you just need to grin and bear it. The good news is there are better biblical options than calling them out. Here are a few that God wants you to take so you come out on top, not buried beneath years of demonic, narcissistic distortion.

Break the Bond:

Codependency can be the glue that ties you to the narcissist, even long after they’re gone. It’s crucial to break the patterns of mood monitoring others, walking on eggshells, and basing your value and worth on their opinions of you. God made you a unique creation. I want to encourage you to take the steps necessary to stop people-pleasing and start God-pleasing. I have a course called “Conquering Codependency Biblically” that can help get you on the path to freedom.

Resist the Urge:

As much as you want to just tell this person off and make them see that everything they say and think about you is wrong, fight it. As we talked about before, you will not yield good fruit by sharing your heart and frustrations with a narcissist. They simply don’t care (no matter how much they pretend). Remind yourself of Luke 23:8: “When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased because for a long time he had been wanting to see him. From what he had heard about him, he hoped to see him perform a sign of some sort. He plied him with many questions, but Jesus gave him no answer.” He gave him no answer! When someone shows you that they don’t value what you have to say, stop talking.

Give It to God:

I know, I know… you’re like, what is God going to do? He hasn’t done anything yet. It’s been 20+ years. I assure you that He’s been at work all this time, evidenced by the fact that you’re here now. And He’s still at work. Will you just give it to Him? This education is great, but God can do infinitely more than you in this situation. instead of exposing the narcissist have patience, when God’s had enough of the narcissist, you might be shocked at what He will do. To stop stressing out and find out, check out this episode here.

Ready to reclaim your peace? If toxic people are draining your energy and zapping your joy, be sure to grab a copy of our FREE Toxic People Survival Guide. It’s my free gift to help you identify the red flags of toxic behavior and set strong, biblical boundaries.