Have you ever caught yourself wondering, “I think they’re toxic… but maybe not?” You know you don’t always like how you feel around them. Maybe some of their actions have been downright hurtful, but you’re still unsure if they truly qualify as “toxic.”

These days, the word toxic gets thrown around almost as much as a narcissist. It’s tempting to slap a label on someone whose behavior feels off, but before you jump to conclusions, let’s dig a little deeper.

In this post, we’ll uncover the unmistakable signs of a truly toxic person, explore whether their behaviors stem from toxicity or struggles, and examine traits that mimic toxicity but come from entirely different roots. Plus, we’ll discuss why cutting off toxic people is sometimes the healthiest decision you can

Let’s Start with an Analogy: Relationships Are Like Shoes

Think of relationships like shoes.

Some shoes are a perfect fit—they support and comfort you, allowing you to walk confidently no matter where life takes you. Then, there are shoes that just don’t fit—no matter how much you try to break them in. They pinch, rub, and leave blisters.

It’s easy to label these shoes as “bad,” but are they really? Or are they just the wrong fit for your foot—or maybe even the wrong shoe for the occasion?

Some shoes are your go-to favorites—you reach for them instinctively because they always deliver. Others sit in the back of your closet, gathering dust. You like them in theory, but every time you try them on, you’re reminded why you never wear them.

And then, there are the shoes so painful, you wouldn’t wish them on anyone.

Cutting off toxic people in your life is like finally tossing those shoes that always leave you in pain—it’s a necessary step toward healing and freedom.

Relationships are much the same. Some people “fit” your life perfectly. Others might be a mismatch—okay in certain contexts but not for the long haul. And then, there are the truly toxic relationships that cause harm no matter how you look at them.

So, how do we know the difference?

Universally Toxic Traits We Can All Agree On

There are just some traits everyone can agree are toxic—like a pair of shoes that might look pretty but leave you limping after a short time.

If someone exhibits the following behaviors, it’s not subjective; they’re harmful to everyone:

• Verbal abuse
• Manipulation
• Chronic lying
• Secrecy
• Selfishness
• Chronic negativity
• Dismissiveness
• Vindictiveness
• Disrespect
• Explosive anger
• Exploitative behaviors

Even the Bible, in 1 Timothy 3, tells us to avoid people with such traits. These behaviors infect relationships, creating destruction and pain. Cutting off toxic people who embody these behaviors isn’t about being harsh—it’s about protecting your well-being.

Why Do We Stay in Toxic Relationships?

If these traits are so clearly harmful, why do so many of us stay? Why don’t we run?

The answer might be more complicated than it seems.

Sometimes, we see something else within these individuals that makes us question our perception. Or, we might mistake certain behaviors as toxic when they’re actually coming from unresolved pain or struggles rather than an inherently toxic nature.

What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface?

Before we label someone as toxic, we have to ask: What’s going on beneath the surface? Theirs—and yours.

Everyone comes into relationships with “defaults”—cultural norms, personality traits, past experiences, and wounds. For example, assertiveness might feel like confidence to one person but aggression to someone who’s been bullied. Sarcasm might feel playful to some but cutting to others.

Your own “surface”—the way you react, interpret, and label others—can reveal unhealed areas of your life that God wants to address. If someone’s quirks feel toxic to you, it might be worth asking:

• Is this behavior objectively harmful, or am I seeing it through the lens of my own pain?
• Does this behavior harm everyone, or just me?

Sometimes, when their stuff collides with your stuff, it creates a toxic concoction—not because either of you is inherently toxic, but because the relationship dynamic is mismatched.

Traits That Mimic Toxicity

Now let’s look at traits that feel toxic but may not stem from an inherently toxic source:

1. Attachment Disorders
   People with dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment styles often exhibit a confusing push-pull dynamic. They crave connection but fear emotional vulnerability and rejection. This behavior can feel toxic, but it’s often rooted in past wounds, not malice.
2. Quirky Habits or Preferences
   Some people are simply “different.” Their unusual habits or preferences might frustrate you over time, leading to labels like “toxic,” when in reality, they’re just…quirky.
3. Unresolved Trauma
   Trauma has a way of lying dormant—until it’s triggered. When it surfaces, the behaviors that follow can feel toxic, but they’re often defense mechanisms born of pain, not an intent to harm.
4. Addictions
   Behaviors like lying, secrecy, and emotional outbursts often accompany addiction. While these actions are harmful, they’re symptoms of a deeper issue, not always a reflection of the person’s true character.
5. Emotional Immaturity
   Some people lack the emotional skills needed for healthy relationships. They might appear selfish or manipulative, but their behaviors often stem from underdeveloped emotional intelligence rather than malicious intent.
6. Demonic Influence
   Spiritual warfare is real. Sometimes, toxic-seeming behaviors are influenced by spiritual battles or demonic oppression. While this doesn’t excuse the actions, it reminds us to approach these situations prayerfully.

Why This Matters

When we understand the root of someone’s behavior, we can make better decisions about how to respond. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful actions, but it helps us discern when to draw boundaries and when to extend grace.

The difference between a truly toxic person and someone struggling lies in their response to accountability. Someone striving to grow will show a willingness to change. A toxic person thrives in denial, blame-shifting, and defensiveness.

That said, you can recognize someone’s struggles without taking responsibility for them. Pray for wisdom, ask God for guidance, and remember—it’s not your job to fix them. That’s the work of Jesus.

Your role is to stand firm in faith, set boundaries that protect your peace, and trust God to lead you in handling the relationship. Cutting off toxic people is not about judgment—it’s about self-preservation and living the life God intends for you.

If this topic resonates with you, be sure to check out my episode on “Undeniable Signs Narcissists Are Controlled by Demons” or dive into my course on “Conquering Codependency Biblically.”