If you’re in a relationship with someone who constantly flips the script, withdraws when things get real, accuses you of being the problem, and only shows affection when it serves their ego, you might be trying to make it work with a narcissist or someone emotionally immature or highly dysregulated.
And if you’re like many people in this situation, you might find yourself still praying for this person, still overthinking, hoping. You might be explaining yourself until you’re blue in the face. You might be carrying the emotional weight of two people and wondering why you’re so worn out, yet still feeling like it’s your fault.
If that’s you, I want to share three costly mistakes that you must avoid. I made these mistakes myself, and I want you to recognize the trap before you get buried underneath them and find yourself in need of some major healing and emotional abuse recovery.
Emotional Abuse Recovery: Three Mistakes to Avoid
Mistake #1: Emotional Over-functioning
The first mistake is like paddling a two-person canoe alone. You’re rowing hard to keep it afloat, you’re steering, you’re compensating for their imbalance, and you’re wondering why you’re the only one exhausted.
Emotional over-functioning happens when you become the caretaker, the fixer, the initiator, and the regulator of the entire relationship. You manage their moods, you avoid their triggers, you smooth over their defensiveness, and you do the work of staying connected for both of you.
It feels selfless, but it’s a slow form of emotional burnout, and it’s not as Christ-like as you might think. God never called you to carry someone else’s emotional responsibility. Even Jesus didn’t over-function in relationships. He invited, offered, spoke truth in love, but when people walked away, he let them.
Consider Luke 18:18, which talks about the rich young ruler who wasn’t willing to give up his riches and walked away. In our modern world, we might think Jesus should have chased after him, tried to convince him, or helped him understand. But Jesus simply let him walk away.
Galatians 6:5 reminds us that each one should carry their load. Now, you might wonder about Galatians 6:2, which says we are to bear one another’s burdens. What’s the difference?
Imagine hiking with a friend. If your friend simply decides they don’t want to carry their backpack anymore and hands it to you, that’s their load they’re asking you to carry. But if your friend trips, falls, and breaks their ankle, you’d naturally help carry their burden back to safety. Expecting you to carry their burden is a giant red flag and one of the most common toxic traits of a narcissist.
We can support someone else’s healing, but we can’t be their savior or emotional manager.
Mistake #2: Mistaking Compliance for Connection
This mistake is like decorating a crumbling wall. It may look okay on the surface, but underneath that, the structure is cracking, and you’re afraid to press too hard because it might collapse.
In narcissistic or toxic relationships, peace is often counterfeit. You’ve learned that if you just agree, stay quiet, and suppress your needs, things go smoothly. But that’s not connection—that’s survival. And it’s not the peace that Christ talks about.
True peace comes from within, and healthy relationships involve mutual reciprocity. Over time, compliance causes you to believe that your silence is keeping the love intact, so you learn to keep quiet and hold your tongue.
I’m not saying we have permission to lash out or say whatever we want. Some people claim, “I just tell it like it is,” but that’s usually disrespect wrapped in arrogance. However, if you have to quiet yourself to keep the peace when speaking up is exactly what the relationship needs, this is not a healthy dynamic.
Suppressing your needs isn’t Christ-like peace. Real love doesn’t require you to vanish, doesn’t punish you for having needs or expressing yourself, and doesn’t mistake agreement for intimacy.
God designed connection to be mutual, truthful, and filled with grace. It’s not built on walking on eggshells and avoiding their next withdrawal, silent treatment, or outburst.
Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ.” Notice this scripture doesn’t say, “To keep the peace, don’t say anything, squash your feelings, don’t share the truth.”
We are called to speak the truth in love.
Unfortunately, in toxic relationships, the other person will often use this as an excuse to reject any feedback you offer: “You didn’t say it the right way,” or “If you had just said it at the right time…” They’ll find any excuse to avoid self-examination. This is yet another example of a toxic trait in a relationship that you should be on guard for.
If you can’t speak the truth without risking emotional punishment, you’re not in connection—you’re in a controlled relationship that may be masked as calm.
Mistake #3: Believing Your Love Will Heal Them
This mistake is like pouring water into a bucket with holes—no matter how much you give, it never holds. You might begin to think the problem is how you’re pouring, what you’re doing, or the liquid itself. You keep examining yourself for the problem.
Don’t get me wrong—we are always called to healthy self-examination. But in many cases, it’s the cracks in their vessel that are the issue.
People of faith often fall into this trap because we believe deeply in redemption. We crave love and connection, and we believe God can change anyone—and He can. But we often confuse unconditional love with unlimited tolerance.
Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Heart-guarding is biblical. I’m not talking about pushing people away, being passive-aggressive, or making sarcastic remarks. I mean, knowing the difference between love and peacekeeping.
You are not called to emotionally manage these people. You are not their savior, redeemer, or fixer. Protecting your emotional, mental, and spiritual health is not selfish—it’s wise stewardship.
Imagine you have $10,000 and believe you should give to whoever asks. Someone asks for $20, then $500, and keeps asking until your money is drained. Is that wise stewardship? The same principle applies to guarding your heart and peace.
We have active participation in relationships, and so do others. In John 5:6, Jesus asked, “Do you want to be well?” He asked for active participation from the person. He didn’t just heal people arbitrarily—they had to want it and ask for it.
Love can’t heal someone who isn’t willing to own their brokenness. You can’t own it for them. This doesn’t mean you can’t be loving and kind, but we enter dangerous territory when we think we’re responsible for healing another person.
No wonder you’re exhausted and frustrated, possibly bitter but unwilling to admit it. You’re pouring out all your love, and it’s not making a difference—and it won’t, because your definition of love may differ from God’s.
Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is walk away from the toxic traits of others. Sometimes it’s setting boundaries. Sometimes it’s speaking truth and no longer allowing destructive behavior to continue in the name of peace, love, or preserving a relationship.
Need help figuring out how to set those boundaries – without guilt? → Join me for my LIVE Workshop—Guilt-Free Boundaries That Stick—May 13th at 4pm EST.
A Final Word of Hope
If these mistakes hit close to home, I want you to hear this: You are not crazy. You are not the problem. You’re not helping the problem, but you’re not the problem.
You are not falling apart—you’re finally waking up. When God begins to wake us up, we often feel displaced. If you’ve been using this pattern for a long time due to codependency, people-pleasing, insecurity, or being the rescuer, these patterns may be deeply ingrained from your home environment. But with God’s help, healing and emotional abuse recovery are possible.
You’re allowed to need rest. You’re allowed to want safety. You’re allowed to ask for reciprocity in a relationship. Trying harder won’t fix someone who won’t take ownership. Loving better won’t change someone who only loves how you make them feel.
Here’s what I want you to do:
- Stop rowing that canoe alone.
- Stop mistaking surface peace for genuine connection.
- Stop believing you have to break yourself to fix someone else.
- Grab a copy of my FREE Toxic People Survival Guide. Pull the plug on toxic relationships that are draining you, with scriptures to pray and responses to say when you’re stuck in the middle of a narcissistic relationship.
God’s love never requires that you lose yourself to someone bent on using you. Remember, you are not crazy, you are not the problem, and you are not falling apart—you are finally waking up.
