You’ve probably felt it – the confusion, the manipulation, the constant feeling that something isn’t quite right. Narcissists have a way of pulling us in with their charm and their lies, but what if I told you that God doesn’t want you to stay in the dark about their tactics?
In this blog, I’m bringing together three powerful teachings to show you how to spot a narcissist before it’s too late. You’re going to learn the seven destructive attitudes that narcissists bring into every relationship and the five-second test that can reveal a narcissist’s true colors – even the most deceptive of them all.
Part 1 – 6 Clues to Spot Christian Narcissism
Fred is a banker, and in his first few months of training, he was actually quite surprised as to how he was going to learn how to spot counterfeit money. Fred thought for sure, “I’m going to learn all about counterfeit money, what it looks like, how it feels, and what I need to do when I find it.” He was confident that his training would help him spot a fake from a mile away. But boy was Fred wrong!
For the first two weeks, Fred spent all of his time in the back office counting real money – 10s, 20s, 100s – thousands of bills, over and over and over again. Fred asked his supervisor, “how is this going to help me?” The supervisor responded by saying, “counterfeit money changes, but the real thing remains the same, and if you know what the real thing is, you’ll easily be able to spot a counterfeit.”
The same is true for toxic people, especially narcissists. How can you expect to spot the fake if you’ve rarely encountered the real? And that’s how most of us have learned – we’ve learned toxic behavior from toxic people. So when other toxic people come along, they look, feel, and even smell familiar, and boy do we love familiar – even if we don’t like it.
That’s why I want to pull you out of your familiar zone and train you to spot Christian narcissism before it wreaks any more havoc in your life.
Clue #1 – How They Respond to Intimacy.
No, I’m not talking about sex, I’m talking about connection – deep, emotional, intimate connection. And it doesn’t matter who the narcissist is – parent, partner, friend – you likely want to connect with them on a deeper level. To share your heart and your hurts. After all, God calls us to be in relationship with others.
But trying to connect emotionally with a narcissist is like watering a plastic plant. No matter how much you pour, it’ll never grow, and that’s because narcissists are hollow individuals. They only look to connect with people for their own personal gain. And their Christian facade may present well on the outside, but inside, they’re a shallow shell of a person. It’s like an empty electrical outlet. The cover is there, but there’s nothing to connect with. And if you’re the type eager for any kind of connection, you may find yourself pulling the weight for both of you in the relationship.
Now, how about those people that you just meet – the guy that you swipe right on the dating app, the fellow volunteer you met at the church fundraiser? These connection crooks are only looking for what serves their purpose in the moment. Maybe it’s at a party, and they’re avoiding eye contact and looking around for someone else to scam (I mean talk to), and that’s if you don’t suit their needs. If you do, they will create this imitation intimacy where they feign interest and lay on the charm to make you feel special, so they can set you up for the take.
My friend, this may be all too familiar to you, so here’s what I want you to look for instead: true intimacy in relationships has a deep emotional connection – they have trust and vulnerability consistently. You have open and honest communication where both of you feel safe and heard. They will make eye contact, share experiences, show empathy, and make you a priority. No, not likely all the time, but you certainly won’t have to fight for your worth in truly intimate relationships.
Clue #2 – How They Respond to Criticism
You’ve likely had your fair share of conversations that took a wild turn down the road of defensiveness, denial, and even flat-out aggression. That’s because, if you’re not aware of how narcissists respond to criticism, you could think that you’re offering constructive feedback to someone who appreciates your advice, but in reality, you’re dealing with a narcissist who perceives anything and everything as an attack.
Have you ever walked away from a conversation apologizing for what you said or how you said it, even though you didn’t do anything wrong, and the original thing you were upset about never got addressed? That’s the dynamic you’re dealing with in a narcissistic relationship, and you likely don’t understand what’s happening because you’re open to honest and open feedback, and you assume that others are too.
Not so with the narcissist; these reactions are rooted in their fragile self-esteem, despite having an outward appearance of confidence. And if you’re the type to mistake arrogance for confidence or scripture reading for true biblical belief, you too can be swayed into believing that you’re dealing with a secure person who is able to accept criticism, but this coin is not two-sided. Narcissists are classic for being “I can dish it out, but can’t take it” kind of people, and that’s because their motive in criticism is control, which is likely why they always call you a control freak.
True Christians actually appreciate feedback even when it hurts. They view it as an opportunity for growth and learning, and they let the Spirit rule, not their ego. They don’t let their ego dominate, even if it just took a hit.
Clue #3 – Narcissists are Marked by Pride
This clue could save you years of aggravation. Narcissists are marked by pride. Conversations with them will always be filled with me’s and I’s.
In life, there are talkers and non-talkers, introverts and extroverts, but narcissists are a different breed. They thrive off of others. In fact, they can’t survive without your supply. They need you to be impressed with them. They need you to be enamored by them, and their ego needs constant stroking and validation. So conversations will always be focused on their accomplishments, their desires, and their goals. Their successes will be exaggerated, and their failures will always be someone else’s fault.
Listen closely to how they talk about themselves, because narcissistic behavior will fly in the face of Romans 12:3,
“For by the grace given to me, I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith God has assigned.”
So, the narcissist may give God glory and words, but in their heart, they are their own rock star, and if you don’t recognize that, too, your time with them will be short-lived at best. They will talk over you, cut you off, and progressively get louder and louder as they fight for center stage.
Instead of mistaking arrogance for confidence, here’s what I want you to do – healthy, safe people enjoy a mutual dialog. They celebrate your successes, and yes, even if it’s something they’ve been praying for, they listen actively, not just long enough to respond. They have an easy time validating your feelings and experiences because they truly care about you, even if they don’t understand.
And this approach is what makes Clue #1 possible in healthy relationships and impossible in narcissistic ones.
Clue #4 – How They Respond to Your Needs.
As Christians, we are taught to look to the needs of others. We’re taught to put others first. We’re taught to think less of ourselves. But here’s where many Christians fall prey to this wolf-in-sheep ‘s-clothing. They will completely surrender themselves, thinking that they’re doing God’s will, but they’re literally stepping into the fiery furnace.
Narcissists are self-centered takers. I don’t care how many fundraisers they volunteer for, or how much they claim that they’re a giving person, or how much they feign and fake empathy, because even their giving has a selfish motive. So if you’re the type to meet their needs, it won’t be appreciated; it will be expected. Life is all about them. So your needs are a nuisance. They are not tolerating being inconvenienced.
So be sure to take a step back and watch how they consistently respond to your needs. Not just once-in-a-while when they’re worried about how others will perceive them, but how do they consistently respond to your needs? Are they pretending they didn’t hear you? Are they making something else up that they’ve got to get done that’s so much more important? If you are the rescuing type, to drop everything to help those you love, sadly, this could make you a target for these parasitic freeloaders.
I knew this gal one time who had a boyfriend who doted over her. He did whatever he could do to make her life easier. And while this is a wonderful quality of his, she just took advantage of him. She would get annoyed and angry when he didn’t continue to do all the nice things he had done for her, and those nice things now became the norm, so he had to continue to add more and more nice things to make her feel as special as she thought she was. I wonder if that guy ever burned out.
Here’s what I want you to look for instead: true biblical Christians will know their limits, and they will not let others take advantage of them. No, they won’t be suspicious and on guard all the time, but they will put their needs on equal ground to yours, and when they do truly need something, they’re going to be the first to ask for help. Look for people who ask how you’re doing and follow up on previous conversations.
Clue #5 – How They Use Scripture
This clue can be very difficult to detect if you don’t have discernment. You see, we’re often fooled into thinking someone is super spiritual if they quote scripture, but that’s a mistake you may never recover from. Even the devil knows scripture.
The narcissist will likely use it just like Satan did when he tempted Jesus in the wilderness. It’s all for manipulation and personal gain. And the narcissist’s use of Scripture is simple, it’s to bolster themselves and control you. That’s it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the worship of God.
They’ll use scriptures like, “God will bless me, not you, but me.” “Submit yourselves to me and honor me means that God is giving me the authority to hold you accountable.” But if you try to hold them accountable, then they’re going to call you a judgmental Pharisee. If the narcissist had a nickname, it would be hypocrite. Rules simply don’t apply to them, they only apply to you.
True Bible believing Christians, on the other hand, will also use scripture to hold you accountable, but not to them, rather to God. They will use scripture to guide you, comfort you, and inspire you to be more like Jesus. They will handle you and the Scriptures with humility and compassion, because they know the transforming power that lies within God’s word, and they have no need for brute force and manipulation.
Clue #6 – Their Instability
This is the biggest clue of all. It is the one that actually can throw you off your game and get you into a mind mess. And it is their instability.
The worst part about narcissists, especially the covert ones, is that you don’t get the same person from day-to-day or even minute-to-minute. They can take every one of those traits that we’ve talked about, sprinkled in with a few maybe decent ones, and display them all within one afternoon.
Narcissists are fragile, weak individuals who thrive off of people and circumstances. That’s why their attitude, their mood, and their behavior can change like the wind, leaving you second guessing yourself. “Oh, maybe I was too harsh on them,” or “oh, I should assume the best, after all, God forgave me.”
But forgiveness has nothing to do with it. It’s trust. You can’t trust someone who isn’t the same person minute-by-minute. You can’t trust someone who says one thing and does another. You can’t trust someone who changes the rules to suit their own narrative. It’s the reason you feel like you’re on shaky ground with this person. Because, my friend, you are. They’re unstable.
Yes, even healthy people have bad moods and hangry responses from time-to-time, but it’s not a consistent ground shifting that leaves you feeling like you’re the problem. They may need a little time to regroup, but they will have an appreciation for how they may have affected you and will be quick to repent. With safe people, this is few and far between, as they’re secure in who they are and they’re solid in how they treat you. But narcissists are master manipulators, and if you are not careful, you can fall victim to their emotional and psychological tactics.
Part 2 – The 7 Hidden Demonic Traits Behind Christian Narcissism
A demonic attitude is not your run of the mill, bad mood. We all have off days where frustration, impatience, or even arrogance can creep in, but these are fleeting, passing moments, not defining characteristics of who we actually are. However, when someone is more influenced by darkness than by truth, their attitudes don’t just become problematic, they become downright demonic.
I want you to think of it like this. Imagine walking into a house where the foundation is rotting from the inside out. At first glance, everything looks normal, maybe even inviting, especially if it’s decorated nicely, but step too hard on the wrong spot and the floor caves beneath you. That’s what it’s like dealing with someone whose mindset is ruled by demonic influence. They look stable, maybe even pretty, but beneath the surface, everything is built on deception, manipulation, and destruction.
Demonic Trait #1 – Deception & Manipulation
This demonic trait is the very thing that makes everything about the narcissist feel off, yet so convincing at the same time. The most dangerous thing about narcissists is their ability to twist reality, gaslight you, and make you question your own judgment. You could have proof right in your hands, but somehow they’ll convince you that you’re the one who’s in the wrong. And it’s not just lying, my friend, it’s warping the truth to keep control, and the enemy has been using this tactic since the beginning. Genesis 3:1, “Did God really say that?” – and just like that, deception took root in humanity.
When a narcissist operates under this demonic influence, they don’t just deceive, they make you start to doubt yourself. They twist the truth, distort facts, and reframe reality not just to win but to weaken you. And Jesus himself exposed this type of deception when He said in John 8:44,
“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”
When deception is at work, it’s not just a bad habit, it’s evidence of who they’re truly influenced by.
Demonic Trait #2 – Control & Domination
Have you ever felt like you’re losing yourself in a relationship? Like every decision, every thought, every action, is no longer yours. You see it starts small, so small that you don’t even notice it, but before long, you find yourself second guessing everything because someone else has taken the wheel. This isn’t love, this is control, and it is one of the most insidious tactics that narcissists use to dominate their victims.
Once they hook you, narcissists use a dangerous mix of emotional blackmail, guilt, fear and gaslighting to wear you down. And at first, they present themselves as your protector, your guide, or even your savior, but in reality, they’re laying the groundwork to make sure that you submit to their authority.
Perhaps they have something you want, perhaps something you need, but what happens when you do something they don’t like? That mask slips – suddenly that caring partner or that friend or family member turns rather cold, punishing, and ruthless. They treat your independence like a betrayal, because they don’t want a relationship. They want control.
And here’s the kicker, their control doesn’t always look like rage or aggression. Sometimes it’s a sweet, soft spoken manipulation disguised as concern – “I just want what’s best for you.” “You’re making a big mistake, but I’ll support you anyway.” This is deception at its highest level, and Scripture warns about it in 2 Corinthians 11:14-15,
“And no wonder, for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. So it is no surprise that his servants, also, disguise themselves as servants of righteousness.”
They don’t want a healthy, equal relationship. They want to own you. They’ll never admit it, but the moment you step out of line, the punishment will begin.
Demonic Trait #3 – Blame Shifting & Accusations
This demonic trait can best be described as a rigged courtroom where the verdict is always against you. No matter what happens, no matter how much evidence you have, the narcissist always walks away innocent, and you’re left carrying the guilt, the shame, and the blame for their actions.
Narcissists are masters at blame shifting and accusations. They are infamous for rewriting reality, not just to protect themselves, but to place the burden of responsibility onto you. And their goal isn’t just to avoid accountability, it’s to make you believe you’re the problem, like somehow everything they do wrong is your fault. They lash out – well, you must have provoked them. They betray you – you weren’t meeting their needs. They manipulate and deceive – you’re paranoid and overreacting.
This is more than just manipulation, this is a demonic attack on your identity, and the enemy has been using this tactic since the beginning. Satan is called the accuser for a reason. He works day and night falsely condemning you, to keep you trapped in guilt and to distort the truth. In fact, Revelation 12:10, reveals his very strategy, and it says,
“For the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God.”
Just like Satan, the narcissist thrives on false accusations, twisting the truth and keeping you in a constant state of self-doubt. And the more you internalize their blame, the more power they hold over you. The blame is not yours to carry, but the boundary is yours to set.
Demonic Trait #4 – Hypocrisy
The fourth demonic trait can best be described as a perfectly polished mask covering a Heart of Darkness. On the outside, they present themselves as kind, compassionate, even godly, but behind closed doors, their behavior tells a completely different story. That’s the damaging effect of the demonic attitude of hypocrisy.
It is one of the most infuriating and confusing tactics that narcissists use, especially in Christian circles. They weaponize faith, morality, and righteousness to control and manipulate others, while living in direct contradiction to the very values they claim to uphold, only to turn around and use the sin you struggle with against you as a justification for their deliberate iniquity.
They demand respect, but show none. They preach about forgiveness, but hold on to bitterness. They judge others harshly while excusing their own sins. They claim to be victims when confronted, but mercilessly tear others down. And the worst part – if you ever call them out on their hypocrisy, they rage with self-righteous indignation or cower in the corner and play the victim.
Narcissists love the appearance of goodness because it keeps everyone deceived. They want admiration, not transformation. And Jesus exposed this exact behavior when he rebuked the Pharisees, the religious narcissists of his day, in Matthew 23:27. He said,
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”
They act like good people, they say all the right things, but behind the scenes, they manipulate, lie, and deceive without a shred of conviction. It’s nothing more than a cover for their corruption. And if you’ve ever been made to feel less than by a self-righteous narcissist, remember this – God sees behind the mask.
Demonic Trait #5 – Entitlement
Have you ever noticed how some people walk into a room and just act like they own it, even when they have no right to? It’s not confidence, it’s not leadership, it’s actually something much darker.
You see demonic trait #5 is a lot like a dictator ruling over a stolen kingdom. They act as if they hold ultimate authority, demanding submission from everyone around them, yet they have no real right to the power they claim. Every decision, every interaction, is about reinforcing their dominance, making sure that you recognize them as superior, even if they have to manipulate, intimidate, or bulldoze their way over you. And that is the damaging effect of entitlement.
Narcissists truly believe that they deserve special treatment, that rules don’t apply to them, and that others exist to serve their needs, and they’ll demand it all without earning it.
The overt narcissist will make this entitled attitude known, but beware of the vulnerable narcissist who knows well enough not to say it, but you better believe that they think it and they act on it in a very manipulative way.
And this is more than arrogance. It is the same attitude that led Satan to rebel against God. They trample over your boundaries, make manipulative comments, disregard your needs, and react with rage or tears when you don’t cater to their needs. In their minds, they can’t fathom why they’re not getting what they want, and this is exactly what we see in Isaiah 14:13, where Satan declares,
“I will ascend to the heavens; I will raise my throne above the stars of God… I will make myself like the Most High.”
Just like Satan, narcissists believe that they are above others, deserving absolute power, when in reality, their authority is nothing more than an illusion, and they know it. That’s why they’re so demanding and manipulative. They’re counting on your fear as their fuel.
Demonic Trait #6 – Vindictiveness & Unforgiveness
This demonic attitude can best be described as a fire that refuses to burn out – smoldering beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to ignite again.
You see, to a narcissist, a perceived offense is never just a moment of hurt. It’s a life long grudge. They don’t just hold on to resentment, they nurture it, feed it, take it to lunch and wait for the opportunity to strike back. And their version of justice isn’t about fairness, it’s about destruction – and that is the attitude of vindictiveness and unforgiveness.
Narcissists never forgive and never forget. Even when you’ve moved on, even when you apologize for something you maybe didn’t even do, they still keep score. They don’t just want to be right, they want leverage. And here’s where you’ll see the smear campaigns, the slander, the passive aggressive comments, and the relentless attacks kick into high gear. Because they can’t just hate you, they have to make sure that others hate you too.
And it’s not enough for them to walk away, they need to take everything and everyone with them – your reputation, your support system – the more they can take, the more powerful they feel. And this level of unforgiveness is more than bitterness – it is demonic vengeance.
But I have good news! Romans 12:19, warns us,
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”
It may be 10 days or 10 years that the narcissists refuse to let go. Their words may say they’ve moved on, but that vindictive fire burns within.
Demonic Trait #7 – Playing the Victim While Being the Oppressor
Trait #7 can best be described as a wolf draped in sheep’s wool – soft and innocent on the outside, but underneath nothing but fangs and a hunger for control.
Narcissists don’t just play the victim. They weaponize it. They will abuse, manipulate, and destroy without remorse, and then turn around and convince everyone that they’re the ones who have been wronged. Narcissists love playing the victim while being the oppressor. They lie, they cheat, they manipulate, they betray, but the moment you hold them accountable, suddenly you’re the bad guy and they are the wounded, helpless victim.
And this is why narcissists are so dangerous in Christian circles. They will twist scripture, cry false persecution, and pretend to be humble, while secretly tearing others down. Their ability to play both the victim and the oppressor, keeps their true nature well hidden from those who just don’t know any better. And believe me, my friend, there are plenty of people out there who fall for their facade. And if you fight back, that just proves their point, and they push you to the brink, then when you finally snap, they act horrified and claim that they always knew that you were unstable, abusive, or ungodly.
They recruit flying monkeys, spin false narratives, and rewrite history to cast themselves as the innocent, traumatized party. And Jesus warned us about these types of people in Matthew 7:15 where he says,
“Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves.”
They may cry the loudest, act the most wounded, and make others feel sorry for them, but make no mistake, the true victim in the story is the one they’ve been tearing apart behind the scenes.
Part 3 – This Test Exposes a “Christian” Female Covert Narcissist
I am going to show you how to recognize the “Christian” Female covert narcissist in as little as 5 seconds, and give you a simple discernment test for spotting her quickly without the guilt, confusion, or gaslighting. I’m also going to give you 3 clues to watch for the moment she opens her mouth. And trust me, trait #5 explains so much of what you’ve probably felt but just couldn’t name.
Trait #1 – Performative Humility
Trait #1 is that gentle act that keeps her on top. She brags about always being broken, but somehow always ends up on the pedestal. She speaks softly, prays eloquently, and calls herself the worst of all sinners, all while making sure that you know how much she fasts, serves, and sacrifices.
It sure sounds spiritual, even supportive, but you leave the conversation feeling small, not seen – this is performative humility. It is a curated act of brokenness designed to appear holy, all while keeping her in control. Phrases like, “I’m just praying God keeps me humble,” and “It must be hard for you. I remember when I was in that season.” It’s not about lifting you up, it’s about keeping herself one step above. And in Christian circles, this false humility really flies under the radar and, sadly, fools many in leadership, but behind the meek tone is manipulation, not ministry.
So ask yourself this – do I feel uplifted after spending time with her, or subtly put in my place?
Trait #2 – Weaponized Victimhood
This trait can best be described as controlling the narrative without raising a voice. She never throws the first stone, but somehow you’re the one buried beneath the rubble. She doesn’t yell or confront, instead she gathers quiet sympathy and spins a subtle story where you’re always the problem, and she’s always grieved. You never see the smear campaign coming because it’s wrapped in spiritual sadness. This is weaponized victimhood.
She plays the wounded one to avoid accountability and maintain power, and her go-to phrases are “I was only trying to help.” “I guess I just care too much.” “Why is everyone always against me?” And behind those phrases is a carefully crafted martyr image where she is bleeding and somehow you’re the one holding the knife. And she’ll show you just enough pain to keep her halo polished and to keep you in check.
So ask yourself this – does she take ownership when she’s wrong or always end up the one needing comfort?
Trait #3 – Manipulation in Disguise
Trait #3 is scary in that the quietest person in the room might be the most controlling. See, she doesn’t demand power, she guilt trips her way into it. She’s soft spoken, maybe even sweet, the kind of woman others admire for her servant’s heart, but her control doesn’t come through volume, it comes through silence. And this is manipulation in disguise.
Instead of confronting, she uses guilt like a weapon – “I would never do that to you, but it’s okay that you did it to me. I forgive you.” She plays passive aggressive – “I guess I’m the only one who cares.” Or she withdraws with silence that leaves you anxious and apologizing. You end up second guessing everything and tiptoeing, trying not to upset her. But it’s not peacemaking, it’s control wrapped in charm. She controls the room without raising her voice, just enough guilt, sadness, and vague disapproval to make you question your every move, and the more unsure you are, the more in control she becomes.
So ask yourself this – do I feel free to speak with her, or am I constantly walking on eggshells?
Trait #4 – Highly Image-Conscious
Trait #4 can best be described as holy in public, hurtful in private. She doesn’t chase holiness, she curates it. She knows how to perform – hands lifted high in worship, prayers that sound like sermons, kindness on display – so long as people are watching. But behind closed doors, her tone sharpens, she withholds affection, gives the cold shoulder, and flips into silent punishment if you don’t play along. She’s highly image-conscious.
She’s not chasing Christ likeness, she’s chasing admiration, and in Christian spaces, this trait is extremely dangerous. She looks like the Proverbs 31 woman, but lives like control is her god. She may lead, serve, give, and fast, but it’s not to honor God, it’s to build her brand. And what seems like humility is actually a carefully managed image. What seems like righteousness is spiritual manipulation in disguise.
So ask yourself this – is her public faith consistent with her private fruit, or does something shift based upon who’s watching?
Trait #5 – Triangulation Disguised as Concern
Trait #5 can be best seen in how she deals with concern. You see, she doesn’t confront, she recruits. She divides to control, not to resolve.
Ever walk into a group and feel tension, but have no idea why. That’s the wake of a covert triangulator. The “Christian” Female covert narcissist will use triangulation disguised as concern. She won’t bring her issues to you, instead she shares or processes or asks for prayer in a way that subtly paints you as the problem without ever saying your name – “Please don’t say anything, but I’m just concerned about how she treated me.” “I’m really praying for her. I hope you do too. She seems off lately.”
It sounds holy, it sounds humble, but it is calculated. She’s not seeking help, she’s recruiting emotional loyalty to keep control while looking squeaky clean. Instead of resolution, she plants seeds of doubt. Now others start to treat you differently, and you’re left confused, isolated, and misunderstood.
This isn’t a personality quirk, my friend, it is a spirit of division operating through subtle manipulation, and in Christian circles, it is often spiritualized as wise counsel or discerning concern. Well, Proverbs 16:28 reminds us,
“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.”
So ask yourself this – does she come directly to you with her concern, or does she go to others and say she’s praying for you instead?
Trait #6 – Covert Competition
Trait #6 is best seen when you’re doing better than her or have something that she wants. She doesn’t clap when you shine, she critiques from the shadows. Her secret envy dressed as discernment. She won’t openly compete (she’s too “humble” for that), instead, she drops compliments with a twist – “She’s gifted, I just hope she stays grounded.” “She’s confident, maybe too confident for someone in ministry.” “She’s bold, but is that really from the Lord?”
Look, it all sounds spiritual, but it’s sabotage – it’s covert competition. This is envy cloaked in concern. A subtle power struggle, hidden behind soft smiles and spiritual language, and you’ll notice that she shines more when you’re dimmed. She offers faint praise – just enough to sound nice, but still leave a sting. She subtly discredits you to others, positioning herself as the truly humble one. In Christian spaces, she may do this under the banner of discernment, when really she just can’t handle not being the center of attention and admiration. She doesn’t want to be godly, she wants to be more godly than you, and if that means twisting your light to protect her own insecurity, she’ll do it without flinching.
James 3:16 reminds us, “Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.”
To detect her quickly, ask yourself this – does she celebrate other women wholeheartedly, or does she always find a way to spiritually knock them down a peg?
Trait #7 – Punishes with Silence
This trait is like emotional control without saying a word. She doesn’t slam doors, she closes hearts, she won’t raise her voice, she just goes quiet, withdrawing emotionally, spiritually, or physically. She shows up, but not really. The room feels colder. The texts feel empty. You feel it, you can’t name it, though, and that’s the point. She punishes with silence.
She withholds presence, affection, and warmth, forcing you to chase her, chase peace, apologize, or over explain, just to get her back. And when you call it out, she says, “I just needed space,” or “I didn’t want to say something I’d regret.” This isn’t self control, it is a power play, an emotional punishment masked as maturity. And while proverbs 29:11 is true, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back,” the female covert narcissist will use the verse to justify silence – but true wisdom doesn’t manipulate.
So ask yourself this – when she’s upset, do we resolve it or do I end up begging for connection again, or having to wait out her silent treatment?
Trait #8 – Uses Spiritual Language to Control
She cloaks control in Christian language – “God told me you were in rebellion. I’ve been praying and I felt led to correct you.” “Is that really how God would want you to behave?” But what she calls discernment feels more like a spiritual spanking and superiority, and that’s because she uses spiritual language to control.
You walk away feeling small, confused and slightly ashamed, like God must be on her side. Even her encouragement has a sting – “God must be teaching you surrender.” “You’re strong for doing this without guidance.” “I used to be that independent, too.” It sounds gentle, but it positions her as above you, always wiser, always closer to God, always more surrendered. But Psalm 28:3 warns us about these people,
“They speak peace with their neighbors while evil is in their hearts.”
So ask yourself this – does her advice lead me closer to God or deeper into doubt and dependence on her?
Trait #9 – Holy Gaslighting
Trait #9 can best be described as the way she rewrites the past with a verse and a smile. She undermines your reality, all in the name of God. You bring up a boundary, she quotes unity. You express pain, she questions your discernment. You confront truth, she says, “I don’t remember it that way, but I forgive you.”
This isn’t miscommunication, it is holy gaslighting, where your clarity is twisted into confusion and your pain becomes rebellion. And this isn’t just gaslighting where your reality is brought into question, this is where you walk away questioning your memory, your motives, and even your walk with God. It’s not just psychological, it is spiritual warfare disguised as discipleship. But Isaiah 5:20 warns us,
“Woe to those who call evil good and good evil.”
So ask yourself this – do I feel more confused and less confident in my discernment after every conversation with her?
I hope you are starting to see that this is an exceptionally dangerous woman, and I don’t care that she hides behind the title of “Christian.” God has warned us on numerous occasions to watch out and avoid such people, so how do you really spot her before the bite? Here are three subtle but powerful clues to watch for, and they often show up in the first few minutes of an interaction.
Clue #1 – Tone that Doesn’t Match the Moment
Her tone doesn’t match the moment. Her voice may sound sweet or soft or overly spiritual, but something feels off. It’s not true gentleness, it’s emotional theatrics.
Have you ever been greeted by a female covert narcissist? You likely got that overly sweet sing songy tone. My friend, that’s the dead giveaway. Why? Because it’s all a facade.
Clue #2 – Timing That’s Too Fast and Too Familiar
She skips right over boundaries and jumps into connection, fast – friendship, partnership, leadership – she can’t leave time for you to see the real her.
Clue #3 – Tantrums in Disguise
When things don’t go her way, she may scream, she may sulk, sabotage or spiritualize her withdrawal, or you may just get the more difficult to challenge silent treatment with those subtle jabs. But make no mistake, when things don’t go her way, there’s “you know what” to pay.
Understanding the traits of this incredibly wicked woman is crucial, but if you want to learn the three signs that God is actually trying to remove someone from your life, go ahead and check out this episode next, and don’t forget to grab a copy of your free Narcissist Survival Guide here.
Also check out these 👇
