What if, every time you think you’re finally safe from a narcissist, they’re actually one step ahead? The truth is, narcissists can actually sense when you’re catching on, and that’s when they strike back the hardest.

In this episode, I am going to show you the clear signs that they know you’re on to them, and the sneaky tricks that they’re going to use to pull you back in. My hope is to give you safe, new ways to avoid falling into their trap.

So here’s the truth: narcissists are nothing if they are not predictable. Once you see the pattern – the manipulation, the control tactics, the passive-aggressive maneuvers – you can’t unsee them. And at first, it actually feels amazing. You’re finally out of the fog, the fear, the obligation, and the guilt. You’re finally thinking clearly and setting boundaries like a boss. You’re not falling for their tricks anymore. You are back in control, not of them, but of you. And then, bam, something shifts. You’re still doing all the right things, but suddenly it’s going all wrong. Why? Well, that’s because narcissists sense when you’re waking up. They can feel that shift in your tone, your confidence, your boundaries, and your energy, and it terrifies them.

Now here’s what most people don’t realize – narcissists don’t see themselves as narcissists. And you can drive yourself crazy thinking, “Oh, do they realize it?” “Oh, do they know?” As if them knowing gives them a little bit of a pass. But no, they actually don’t see themselves as narcissists.

Now, of course, maybe some of the grandiose ones recognize some of the characteristics, and they just don’t care, but for the most part, most of the people that you’re struggling with are covert narcissists. They don’t see themselves as the problem. Manipulative people don’t see themselves as manipulative. They actually just see themselves as getting what it is that they need, and they feel entitled to get it from you however they need to. And yes, they truly do believe you are the problem.

Their patterns are so ingrained that they literally cannot process your awakening without getting escalated. Their goal has always been the same (and it always will be the same) – getting what they want – and they’re going to use whatever tactic they can possibly come up with. So now they’re scrambling because they know you know. They know you’re on to them.

Three Clear Signs That They Know You’re on to Them. 

Sign #1 They Know You’re on to Them – You Told Them

“I’m on to you.”

“I’m not taking your nonsense anymore.”

“I know you’re a narcissist… you’re this… you’re that…”

You call them out, and it feels really good – you likely won’t admit it, but you need them to know that they can’t push you around any longer.

I get it – it’s really tempting to just come right out and say, “That’s it, my head’s out of the clouds, I’m not falling for your nonsense anymore.” We think that by somehow calling out their behavior, they’re going to realize they’d better get their stuff together and treat you right. But no, they’re just going to shift gears.

Below, I’m going to share with you how and why telling them is likely to backfire.

Sign #2 They Know You’re on to Them – Subtle Boundary Tests

The second sign is subtle boundary tests. They sense that their power is slipping, so they start pushing just enough to see if you’re going to react.

They know what your boundaries have been before, and now they’re sensing that those boundaries have probably gotten firmer, so they pull back a little bit – they readjust and recalculate. It’s like an enemy attack – they’re getting slaughtered, but they recognise now what your tactics are, so they’re going to go back to home base and reassess. They’ll be thinking, “All right, this is what I’ve been able to do before. This is what he or she says they’re not going to tolerate anymore. But I can’t come right out and just completely bulldoze that boundary,” but don’t get me wrong, they’ll try.

Once you continue to hold firm, they’ll start coming back with little boundary tests. Maybe it’s a quieter manipulation, maybe it’s a softer guilt trip, but make no mistake about it, they’re going to be subtle in their testing.

Sign #3 They Know You’re on to Them – Sudden Role Changes

So, if they were controlling before, now they’ll play the victim. If they were selfish before, well, suddenly they’re just so giving – and this goes beyond love bombing. If they were liars before, now they pretend to be honest. If they were manipulative before, now they’ll start to overshare.

You’re going to start to see these sudden role changes. Why? Because they know you know. They know that you’re on to whatever manipulative, guilt-ridden, controlling, self-centered tactics that they were using before, and now they won’t work.

Now let’s talk about the sneaky tricks that they’re going to use to pull you back in.

Narcissist Manipulation Tactics

Sneaky Trick #1 – Guilt Trips

“After everything I’ve done for you,” or, “I guess you just don’t care,” or, “I was there for you when you needed me, and this is how you treat me?”

The first of the narcissist manipulation tactics is putting you on the defensive. They love to pull that debt card – attacking your character, your intention, your motives – all while playing the victim. And they do this to put you in a position where you feel like you have to prove yourself to them or earn their trust back, even though they’re the ones who broke yours.

As cunning as it is and as real as it feels, the motive is always going to be the same here – it is self-serving. We can go back to number three above – the sudden role changes – at first, they’re going to try the old guilt trips, but when they stop working, they will start to refine their guilt trip, because you’ve left them no other choice.

Make no mistake, just because you put a boundary up or you say no, does not mean this person is changing. Even if you see changed behavior, if it comes without repentance, it comes without repair. My friend, that changed behavior is going to be temporary at best.

Sneaky Trick #2 – Fake Vulnerability

The second one of the narcissist manipulation tactics they’ll use to pull you back in is fake vulnerability, and they’re going to do this in a few ways.

One is that they act like they care. They’re going to have that performative empathy. Now remember, these are the kind of people that don’t really have a lot of empathy for who you are and what you’re going through. They really only care about themselves. I’ve often compared narcissists to aliens. Now, I don’t believe in aliens, but just imagine for a moment that an alien comes from another planet. They land on ours, and they think, “I gotta fit in. I gotta blend in here, so what do I do?” “Well, I’m going to start copying the behaviors and the patterns of others.” Then, over time, they’re going to start refining those behaviors and patterns based upon what works for them and what gets them approval, what gets them what they want. The narcissist is going to do the same.

On some level, they actually know they’re kind of self-centered, but here’s what’s interesting – on the flip side, most narcissists feel like they’re so giving that others just take advantage of them. So, there’s a bit of a cognitive dissonance going on there, but they are going to now overly perform on empathy, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” and “Oh, that sounds terrible,” and once where there were secrets, now they act like they’re ready to share everything. My friend, please be careful – this is strategic and it’s going to be temporary at best.

And this can be part of the love bombing phase, because now you’re like, “Wow, you know, I finally communicated to this person what was hurting me, what was going on, and how I need them to change, and suddenly there’s been this ‘magical’ shift.” We get this feeling of, “I can’t believe this person finally gets it.” Well, my friend, fruit takes time, so over time, you’re going to see what fruit this person truly has, and most times it’s performative empathy.

Now, the second way they fake vulnerability is by acting hurt to make you swoop in and rescue them.

Have you ever noticed a pattern of emergencies when you pull away from a toxic person? They sense it, and they don’t have the emotional security or the maturity to have an honest conversation about it, so it’s back to the default of manipulation. They’ll call you and say, “Oh, I’m heading to the emergency room,” or “Oh, you know, my life has fallen apart,” or “Oh, I think I’m going to lose my job.” There’s always some emergency where you now need to step in and rescue them from, because if you don’t, you’re now going to get labeled the narcissist. You’re now going to get labeled as someone who doesn’t have empathy or care about them.

This is a fake vulnerability – they’re acting like they need you, they’re creating these fake scenarios, so you now have to swoop in and rescue them.

And when all else fails, they will start hoovering. They’re going to use their charm, small compliments, nostalgia, friendly gestures, and they’ll all be meant to break down your defenses.

But here’s the thing, they’re not going to start hoovering right away, because, let’s say they go from behaving in an appalling way, and then 24 hours later, they’re complimenting you, they’re nostalgic, and they’ve got all these wonderful gestures – it’s just it’s too much of a disconnect. So, they will allow some time to pass in the hopes that you’re going to miss them or they’ll miss you. But before you get excited – they don’t actually miss you – they miss what you brought to the table. Maybe you paid for things, maybe you took them places, maybe you were just company for them. That’s what they miss. So now they’re going to start coming to themselves and thinking, “Oh, I’m the one missing out on this. I miss this person. So let me come back.” Then they’re going to make some of what they would consider ‘small repairs.’ But they’re not repairs – they’re complete manipulation.

And they love to get you with nostalgia, sending you old pictures, and just kind of breaking down your defenses so that that line of communication gets opened back up again. But here’s the problem – they may want to open the line of communication, but they do not want to do any repenting, any repairing, and they certainly don’t want to walk down the journey of a healthy relationship – they just want things to go back to the way they were.

So you’re likely going to discover that if you fall for the hoovering, things go back to the way they were, and then they start getting upset with you again because you’re not tolerating the behaviors anymore.

My friend, narcissists feel every shift in your emotions. They’re going to feel every shift in your reactions. Don’t underestimate them. This is their life skill – they have been assessing and evaluating people their entire lives, because they’re looking to do whatever they can to get their needs met. They’re going to surround themselves with people who give them what they want and need, who don’t challenge them, and who think they’re just wonderful. So, they are going to quickly sense a shift in your emotions and reactions. Please, don’t think for a second that you’re going to be able to get one over on a narcissist – that you’re going to be able to pretend everything’s okay – they sense everything. If this was a spiritual gift, this would be theirs, but it’s not.

So here’s where I want you to be careful, because even your best efforts can go sideways, if:

#1 – You’re Inconsistent in Boundaries

My friend, you have got to hold the line! And I don’t mean we go from one day tolerating everything about them, to the next day there’s complete no contact. What I’m saying is you have to develop your healthy boundaries – things that you are comfortable with – and then stand firm in that. No manipulation, no guilt trip, nothing to break you out of that firm stance.

Now, I want you to keep in mind that boundaries are fluid, so just because you say, “That’s it, I need to cut off contact,” doesn’t mean that it has to be forever – it might be for a reason and a season. But by the same token, you want to be very careful that just because somebody has fake empathy, or they start hoovering, or they start saying everything that you’ve been hoping they’re going to say for the past 25 years, it doesn’t mean that now everything’s changed and your boundaries should loosen.

The only thing that should cause your boundaries to change is repeated, longer-term positive behavior, and then, if and when that behavior goes back to being inappropriate, the boundary needs to get locked down once again.

You have got to be consistent in your boundaries.

Boundaries are not just a matter of saying no; they are an evaluation for each individual person in each individual situation or scenario. For example, I don’t tolerate being yelled at, so if somebody’s yelling or screaming at me, I will end a conversation. I will leave the room. I’ll give ample notice, saying, “I want to have a respectful conversation, but I am not going to be yelled at, and if you continue to yell, I’m going to take myself out of here, and we can resume this conversation when you’re ready to talk respectfully.” That’s my boundary. And if somebody continues to yell, and then insists, “Oh, this is just the way I talk,” or “Oh, this is just the way I am,” or, “Oh, you know, you started this.” – you can’t engage in that because then you’ve just given in to the guilt and the manipulation. You’ve got to stand consistent with your boundaries.

And believe it or not, there’s actually different levels of boundaries. And in my online course, Guilt Free Boundaries That Stick, we start to break down the different types of people, the different types of boundaries, and then how to apply what boundary to what type of person.

#2 – You Call Out Lies Without Caution

If you’re going to call out lies, which I’m not saying that you shouldn’t, you want to do it with caution. Even Scripture tells us that “a gentle answer turns away wrath.” And for my codependents out there, that does not mean that you are responsible for their reactions, but we are called to speak the truth in love. We are called to have gentle answers. So calling out these lies bluntly, arrogantly, is going to trigger defensiveness, and it’s going to trigger gaslighting. We have to have control of ourselves and our boundaries, and I’m not just talking about external boundaries, I’m talking about internal boundaries, too. My internal boundary says I am not going to get triggered when they say XYZ. My internal boundary says I’m going to do this instead of that, or I’m going to withdraw instead of snapping back. That is dealing with boundaries appropriately, and that is actually consistently being able to call out the lies in love. So be careful that you’re not triggering them. And again, you’re not responsible for how they respond, but if you start cursing at somebody, blaming them, acting defensively – well, there is a thing called provocation – so we do want to be very, very careful.

#3 – You Try to Fix or ‘Educate’ Them

I really need you to be careful here – trying to fix or ‘educate’ them instead of focusing on your own healing is a recipe for disaster. It is going to be a distraction and a derailment, and the enemy would love nothing more.

I get it – we want to try to understand what’s going on. We want to try to make sense of all of the craziness that’s been taking place. Your mind is going in 1000 different directions – “Is it them? Is it me? Am I the narcissist? Who should I believe? What’s going on? What should I do?” It would feel so good to finally have some answers.

I remember years ago when I was struggling with a lot of health issues, and these traditional doctors that I was going to were checking my thyroid panel, my gut issues, and a whole bunch of different things, and they said, “You’re good,” and I was like, “I’m not good! Something’s off here.” And it took about another two years before I started to seek out functional medicine doctors and go to holistic nutritionists to understand that I was suffering from severe adrenal fatigue. So all of these things now started to make sense, and although that’s not a diagnosis you want, it was a bit of a relief, because there’s finally a label for this – there’s finally a reason, and you can start to map out the healing process.

And that’s where I want you to be very careful – just like you would not get stuck in a diagnosis that the doctor gave you, and then keep trying to understand this condition without trying to heal from it – the same is going to be true when you’re dealing with a narcissist. They cause a lot of damage – mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually – you have a long road ahead of you, but if you are walking with Christ, that road is going to be paved with a promise that you couldn’t pay for. He will take everything that the enemy meant for your harm and use it for your good. He will turn those ashes into beauty. He’s actually going to turn that loss into life. He’s got a purpose for this pain, if you will just let him.

So instead of focusing on trying to fix or ‘educate’ them, start focusing on healing yourself.

Now let’s go ahead and dive into the three sure-fire ways to stay safe and strong, because if you want to protect yourself from falling into this trap again – whether it’s with the same person or a future narcissist – you want to:

Sure Fire Ways to Stay Safe and Strong

#1 – Be Secure in Your Identity

Your value, your worth, my friend, it cannot hinge on their opinions! It cannot depend on them or their reactions. You have to be strong in who you are and whose you are – and that’s why I say it all the time – if you are not in Christ, I want to encourage you to surrender your life to him right now. Even if you have done that in the past and you need a fresh commitment, say, “Lord, I need to know who I am in you. I surrender my life to you. You are the King of kings and the Lord of lords, and you are the only one who’s going to be able to get me out of this dilemma.”

When you are walking with God, he has a plan and a purpose for you that you cannot possibly fathom, but if you’re going to be rocked every single time the narcissist has an opinion about you, every time they spread a lie, you’re walking in doubt, and that is unbelief. Because you’re taking this person’s word over God’s. This person – who has stripped you of your value, stripped you of your worth, has made you feel so small, who’s made you question yourself on so many levels – and you’re going to take their opinion over God’s?

My friend, if you are in Christ, you’re chosen. You have purpose. You are loved, and that love can never stop. You will never be abandoned. You will never be condemned. Yes, God is going to come in and change you. I should hope that you’d want that. I want that every single day, I don’t want to be the same person tomorrow that I am today, and I am so thankful that I am not the same person today that I was two years ago, or 10 years ago.

When you walk with God, there is a transformation process that takes place you can’t pay for, but it takes surrender. It takes submission to Him. And it takes stepping out of that control, that, “I’ve got to fix them.” “I’ve got to get them to see my value.” “I’ve got to get them to see my worth” – you have just stepped into the enemy’s trap, and it’s like quicksand – but there is a way out.

“Lord, I surrender my life to you. I give you my heart. I give you my mind. I give you my life. I give you everything.”

When those old opinions and those old insults come back – because they will come knocking – you can reject them for the lie that they are.

#2 – Stand Firm for Healthy Relationships

The second thing that I want you to do is to stay firm in your resolve for healthy relationships. We focus so much on what unhealthy relationships look like, what toxic people look like – the traits, the characteristics, the things that they do, the things that they say. It’s like we’re spending our lives studying counterfeit money instead of studying the real thing.

Safe relationships need to be your goal, not simply navigating toxic ones. God is not going to deliver you from this, just to help you figure out how to navigate a toxic relationship. His goal and his desire are safe relationships, healthy relationships. Just like the one we have with him.

So do what you need to do to understand what a safe relationship looks like. Stop talking to people all the time about what an unhealthy relationship looks like. Stop talking to people who are unhealthy all the time. Surround yourself with safe, Godly people.

I know nobody’s perfect – please don’t hear what I’m not saying – Christians are broken too. In fact, we’re really broken. We’re the ones who need to go to that hospital called church the most. So please do not put all of your emotional eggs in the basket of somebody that you think is going to rescue you. You need to become that safe person, and when you become that safe person, safe people are going to be attracted to you. When you become that safe person, you’re going to now spot the counterfeit, the unsafe, the unhealthy, much, much faster than you would have before.

So stay firm for healthy relationships.

#3 – Stay Strong in Your Faith

The last thing that I want you to do – and this is going to make you narcissist-proof – is to stay strong in your faith. Trust God, not the manipulation.

I want to encourage you to get healing. One of the worst things that I see in people in toxic relationships is that they carry a lot of toxicity within themselves. They think that just because they’re not like that other toxic person in their life, then they’re good, meaning the narcissist is toxic, so that means they’re not. My friend, you got infected. You need healing.

There’s no possible way that you can grow up with a narcissistic parent or toxic sibling, be in a toxic marriage, be with a narcissistic boyfriend or girlfriend, or be in any of these environments, especially long-term, and think that you are not infected. You need healing. Deal with the stuff that is going on. Deal with the codependency that is taking place. Deal with those toxic thought patterns that now get triggered, “Oh, should I trust somebody? Should I not trust somebody?”

We have to begin to deal with these things, and the way to do that is to start to stand strong in your faith. God is going to begin to peel back all these layers. He’s going to begin to show you the broken areas – not to expose you and not to shame you, but to say, “This is the next area we’re going to deal with, my child.” And my hope in my heart is that you would say, “Yes, Lord, please, let’s deal with this.” Because the truth is, if you don’t heal your heart – if you don’t become a safe person – you will repeat the very cycles that you’re trying to break.

We’re looking for progress, not perfection. You will slip, but it doesn’t mean failure, it means you’re learning, you’re growing – repent, repair, do what you need to do – and still keep your heart open to #1, God and #2, love. Because when we shut off our hearts and we say, “I’m not going to get hurt like this again,” “Nobody’s going to be able to treat me like that again,” what we’re doing is we’re making is making an inner vow, and the enemy loves those inner vows, because he’s going to use them against you. Because the truth is, God wants to bring people into your life that are loving, that can be trusted, and we want to be able to keep our hearts open to that. But not open in an ignorant kind of way, saying, “Oh, I just really need to trust people again.” No – we need to trust God, and let God begin to repair that trust. Let God begin to show us who’s healthy, who’s unhealthy, who’s good fruit, who’s bad fruit. And that’s when you know you’re walking in true wisdom.

Look, I know the fear – “What if I get steamrolled again?” “What if everything goes back to the way it was?” What if somebody hurts me that way again?” The truth is, that may happen, but it likely won’t, and here’s why – you’re wiser.

You’re no longer going to ignore the red flags. I’m sure that you can look back in the past and say, “Yeah, I got over on because I ignored some of those red flags.” You’re not ignoring them anymore. You’re no longer giving into the guilt, you’re no longer letting their words define your worth, and you will no longer base your behavior on the fear of what they’re gonna think, say or do. So, it won’t be the same, and that’s a good thing.

A Final Word of Encouragement

In closing, I want to pray for you. I want to pray that God is going to begin to cut those cords of manipulation, that he’s going to begin to cut the lies that you’ve been believing and just infuse you with His truth.

“Father, we come before you in the mighty and the matchless name of Jesus, Christ, our Lord. Who, for the joy set before Him, endured that cross, despising its shame, and is now seated at your right hand, and he’s forever making intercession for you, for us, for me. God, we’ve done nothing to deserve this. It is by nothing that we’ve done, by everything that you have done. So Father, you know the heart that is hurting right now, that heart that is just so confused. ‘Lord, do I stay? Do I go? Lord, do I call this out? Do I endure further? Lord, do you need me to forgive just one more time?’ Lord, I ask that You would speak to that heart, quiet those fears, quiet that confusion. Lord, we know that confusion does not come from you. I pray that right now, in this moment, there would be a full surrender to your sovereignty. God, your thoughts are above our thoughts, your ways are far above our ways, and your plans far exceed what we could ever imagine. In fact, your word in Ephesians, 3:20 says that ‘unto Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above what we could ask, hope, or think according to the power that is at work within us.’ Father, come and have your way, dismantle every lie of the enemy, clear away the fog, reveal your truth, ignite a passion and a fire for your word and for prayer. Lord, I pray that every conversation they have would be deeply rooted in your love. I pray they would sit right at your throne and just receive. Lord, pour out your peace right now, wrap your loving arms around them. Father, I ask that you would remind them who their father is. There is no demon in hell or narcissist on earth that can change that. We thank you and we praise you. It’s in the mighty name of Jesus that we all say, amen.”

I hope this has been a blessing to you. Please remember to grab your free copy of the Narcissist Survival Guide, here. I am also very excited to announce the launch of my new book, Breaking the Narcissist Grip. This book was birthed out of the desire to help Christians cut the strings of manipulation, set boundaries that actually stick, and begin to reclaim your life from takers. Pick up your copy, here.

👉 Guilt-Free Boundaries That Stick
👉 Conquering Codependency Biblically