Have you ever looked at the narcissist in your life and thought, “Uh, there’s something darker. There’s something deeper that’s actually taking place here”?

What I’ve realized is that most people only see the toxic outward behavior. What they’re missing are the hidden ways that the enemy uses that behavior to drain your confidence, cloud your judgment, and pull you out of the identity that God gave you. Sounds sneaky? That’s how the devil works. 

And that’s why today I’m going to expose seven tactics. These tactics I have walked thousands of Christians through, and they’re patterns that you can easily spot once you know what you’re looking for. And once you see them, especially the first one, you will finally understand what’s really been happening behind the scenes. 

I want you to remember something – the purpose of the enemy is to kill, steal, and destroy (John 10:10) – that’s his mission. Now he’s got many creative ways to go about trying to kill, steal, and destroy everything that God has given to you, but that is his ultimate goal. And just like God uses people to fulfill his purpose, so does the devil. And who better to use than self-centered, pride-filled, egotistical, unsuspecting pawns like the narcissist? And the enemy will work to give them whatever they want to get what he wants. 

So, you need to understand that it’s not even just about the narcissist — that’s just bonus destruction for him — he’s looking for you, and his mission has always been about efficiency. So whether he’s directly targeting the narcissist and you’re just collateral damage, or he’s strategically using the narcissist in your life specifically to target you, the goal is still the same — to kill, steal, and destroy.

And while he is a formidable foe, here’s some good news – he’s quite predictable, and once you see the pattern, you can resist it without feeling like you’re some unloving Christian to any number of his ambassadors. 

So let’s go ahead and dive into…

The 7 Ways the Enemy Uses the Narcissist in Your Life Against You

Tactic #1 – Identity Erosion

So tactic number one can best be described as looking into a fogged-up mirror. Your reflection is there, but you can’t see yourself clearly. And the longer the fog lingers, the more distorted and confused your identity becomes. And that’s what happens when the enemy – and the narcissist in your life – attack you through identity erosion. And if the enemy can get you in your identity, my friend, I want you to hear this – It is game over – everything else is easy. 

I want you to imagine this – you’ve got two teams that are playing against one another. One team seems so confident – maybe they’ve had an undefeated season – and they come on the field with this other team, who’s been struggling a little to win just one game. The second team is feeling like they’re down a bit, but they show up in hopes of winning, and they’re just going to play the game. But truth be told, they haven’t been winning, and they feel like they’ve been under attack. And now the first team – this arrogant team – starts talking trash to them. Insulting their players, reminding them that they haven’t even won a single game, and reminding them that their best player is benched. All of these mind games are designed to erode the second team’s confidence and their identity. And guess what? Most times, it works. No, the other team doesn’t give up and walk off the field in defeat – they still play – but they’re not at their full potential. And with each fumble of theirs, each score of the other team, it just becomes confirmation of all the negative voices that they’ve already been believing about themselves. 

My friend, this is exactly what happens when you let the narcissist in your head. They take the lies of the enemy and pound them in so deep that you don’t even know who you are. And the enemy knows he’s really got you when you are so trauma-bonded to the narcissist in your life that they are the very people that you now need to seek validation from. The narcissist may toss you an occasional, “Oh, I love you,” or “Oh, you’re so great, I don’t deserve you.” But it’s not long before that is followed up with the comments that are questioning your worth again. 

This is why if you don’t know who you are, if you don’t know your unique temperament, your desires, your purpose, that you are a daughter of the Most High, or a son of the Father, you will flounder. My friend, there aren’t enough compliments, there isn’t enough validation on the planet that can outrun a fractured identity. 

The enemy uses the narcissist to chip away at who you believe you are – your worth, your voice, your discernment, your God given identity – and this makes you doubt yourself and so easily believe all of the enemy’s lies. And then you just ignore God’s truth about you. You ignore what your coach (I’m using that metaphorically) is telling you – that “You are a winner.” “We can do this.” “I’m with you.” You’re ignoring that because you’re buying into the enemy’s lies.

Tactic #2 – Confusion Through Manipulation

This tactic can best be described as trying to drive through the thick fog. You see the shapes, you see the shadows, you see the outlines, but nothing is clear enough to trust. You inch forward, second-guessing every move because you can’t really tell what’s real and what isn’t. And that is exactly what happens when the enemy uses the narcissist in your life to confuse you through manipulation. 

They’re going to say things like, “I never said that,” “You remembered that wrong,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “That’s not what happened.” Or, they could contradict themselves. They could be loving one day, cold the next, promising something in the morning, denying it by the evening. Acting offended by things they once encouraged. And then, there is the rewriting of history – suddenly the argument becomes your fault, their betrayal becomes your overreaction, their silence becomes your misunderstanding. And all of this is designed to create a spiritual fog. The kind that makes you question your memory, question your judgment, distrust your discernment, and even feel like you’re losing your sanity. 

Now Scripture warns us about this very thing, and it says,

“God is not the author of confusion, but of peace.” – 1 Corinthians 14:33

So if God is not the author of confusion, someone else is. And that’s the enemy’s goal – to disconnect you from the clarity that God gives you and keep you stuck in a fog where you depend on the narcissist for leading, instead of the Holy Spirit. Because if the enemy can get you into confusion, he can control your direction. He can cloud your discernment, weaken your confidence, and then quietly steer you away from the truth that God is trying to show you.

Tactic #3 – Emotional and Spiritual Exhaustion

Tactic number three can best be described as running a race while someone keeps secretly adding weight to your backpack. At first, you think, “Okay, I’m strong enough, I can handle this,” but every day another brick gets slipped in – a harsh comment here, a cold shoulder there, another crisis that you’re forced to solve, another emotional fire you have to put out – and before long, you’re running weighed down. You’re still running, but you’re barely making it. And that is exactly how the narcissist wears you down through emotional and spiritual exhaustion. 

So, they’re going to drain you through a few tactics, and if you’re taking any notes, I want you to write these down. 

#1 – Constant Chaos

Sudden arguments, emotional blow-ups, or emergencies. There’s always an issue with the narcissist that magically appears when there’s a problem and magically vanishes once you have calmed them down. 

#2 – Criticism That’s Disguised as Concern

“I was just trying to help you,” yet you walk away feeling smaller and more used. Or there’s the unpredictable reactions, and you have to walk on eggshells because you never know which version of them you’re going to get. And then there’s the demanding – being expected to soothe every mood, fix every problem, carry every burden – and if you don’t, then you must not love them. My friend, this isn’t just emotional exhaustion, this is spiritual exhaustion because it pulls your focus from everything that God is trying to strengthen in you. And the enemy doesn’t always try to destroy you in one blow – that would be way too obvious – sometimes he wears you down slowly, and he’s going to do it through someone else’s instability – their demands, their attacks – until you are so tired – too tired to pray, to think, and to even stand firm against them. 

Have you ever noticed that when you reach your breaking point, you’re like, “whatever, just whatever,” that is spiritual and emotional exhaustion. Because here’s the truth: if the enemy can exhaust you, he can silence you. He can isolate you, distract you, weaken your faith, and then disconnect you from the strength that God is trying to give you.

Tactic #4 – False Guilt

This one can best be described as carrying a backpack someone else keeps sneaking their rocks into. So you’re going to start out holding your own responsibilities because we’re each called to carry our own load, but little by little, the narcissist slips in their disappointments, their emotions, their reactions, their problems, their failures, and eventually you’re weighed down by their burdens. And that’s exactly how false guilt begins and condemnation sets in. And that’s where the enemy is going to get you. 

Narcissists are experts at shifting responsibility, “You made me angry,” “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t done this,” “If you were loving, I wouldn’t have acted that way,” “If you had just said it in this tone,” “If you weren’t so nasty,” “A godly woman wouldn’t say no,” “You hurt my feelings,” “You need to fix this,” “If you really cared, you’d do what I need.” Any of these sound familiar? 

They even weaponize your compassion and your faith. They’re going to twist Scripture to make you feel obligated, so if you are not grounded in Scripture, you’re going to be easily twistable. They’re going to use submission language to silence you. They’re going to act like your boundaries are so un-christlike that you must not even be a Christian, or they’re going to make you apologize for their behavior. Why? Because your codependency is screaming, I need this connection back. And all of this creates false guilt – guilt that God never ever placed on you.

God’s word exposes this tactic clearly, and you’re going to find this in Romans 8:1,

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

So when you feel condemnation – weight, shame, or the pressure to fix what someone else has broken – that’s not conviction from the Holy Spirit, that is manipulation, and the enemy uses it to crush your confidence, twist your perception of God, and keep you enslaved to someone else’s emotional chaos. 

But here’s the deeper truth – if the enemy can get you to carry guilt that isn’t yours, he can keep you from carrying the calling that is yours.

Tactic #5 – Isolation From Support

Tactic number five is best described as someone kicking out your crutches right when you need them the most. You’re trying to stand, you’re trying to heal, you’re trying to move forward, but every time you reach for support – a friend, pastor, family, community – the narcissist finds a way to knock it out from underneath you. And that’s exactly how isolation starts. 

The narcissist isolates you through subtle seeds of doubt – “Oh… she doesn’t really like you,” “Your family never understood you.” Or, by creating embarrassment where they’ll make you feel ashamed of your struggles, so you stay silent – “Everything that happens in this family, stays in this family.” Or, they’ll jump into triangulation, turning everyone against you from behind the scenes – saying nice to your face, but talking bad behind your back. Or, they’re going to use emotional dependency – making you feel like the only person that understands you is them – they’re the only ones who get you and are the only ones you need to rely on, but interestingly enough, they’re the ones who are causing the problems.

They’re also going to use guilt and pressure, and they’re going to make you choose them over everyone else, and if you don’t, it’s somehow betrayal. Before long, the people who used to speak truth into your life are now at a distance, and you’re left alone with the person who’s causing the damage. 

The enemy loves isolation because it strips you of the support that God designed for you to have. Scripture warns us clearly in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,

“Two are better than one… if either falls, the other can help them up.”

But narcissists don’t help you up, they push you away from the people who would, because the enemy knows that if he can isolate you, he can intimidate you. If he can cut off your support, he can break your confidence, he can distort your perspective, and he can amplify your fears. Isolation doesn’t just make you lonely, it makes you vulnerable.

Tactic #6 – Distraction From Your Calling

This one can best be described as trying to run a race while someone keeps grabbing your arm every few steps. You’re moving forward, you’re gaining momentum, you’re finally stepping into what God is calling you to do, and suddenly, the narcissist in your life yanks you sideways with another crisis, another argument, another emotional emergency that only you can supposedly fix. And this is how distraction takes root.

Narcissists are going to keep you busy, and they’re going to do it with a few tactics, and the first is overthinking.

Every word you say, you’re going to overthink. They’re going to do it with people-pleasing – “If I could just say it/do it right, then maybe I could control the outcome.” They’re going to do it through emotional monitoring – “Are they angry?” “Are they distant?” “Did I upset them somehow?” They’ll use constant chaos – arguments, silent treatment, sudden mood swings. Or, they’ll fix their problems, while yours still go untouched. And while you’re juggling their emotions, your calling gets pushed to the back burner. Your gifts sit unused, your dreams delayed, your purpose buried under their emotional labor.

My friend, God never assigned this to you, and the Bible describes this tactic perfectly in John 10:10, 

 “The thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy.”

Narcissistic chaos is a thief. It steals your time, your peace, your energy, and worst of all, it steals from you what God has asked you to steward. Because here’s what the enemy knows – if he can distract you, he can derail you. He can keep you stuck, small, overwhelmed, and spiritually ineffective, all while convincing you that you’re the problem for not trying harder. 

I want you to promise yourself that you are going to stop taking this bait, because you were created to live a life of purpose that God designed specifically for you. You were not created to manage someone else’s chaos.

Tactic #7 – False Hope

This one can best be described as grabbing a rope that you think is going to pull you to safety, only to realize that it’s tied to a steak that keeps you stuck in the same place. So every time you think you’re being pulled forward, you end up right back where you started – disappointed, confused, and more emotionally entangled than before. And this is exactly how false hope works. 

And that’s how the enemy tries to get you. Remember – the enemy can only counterfeit, he can not create, so he’s going to cause counterfeit breakthroughs and he’s going to use the narcissist by giving sudden affection after days of distance; an apology that sounds genuine, but never really produces any fruit; a soft moment that makes you think, “Maybe they’re finally getting it,” especially when they say, “I so appreciate how you speak into my life”; temporary kindness, right after hurting you; promises of counselling, effort, change, that just evaporate the moment you let your guard down. 

These crumbs were designed to keep you emotionally tied, even when the relationship is spiritually corrosive. And that is why trauma bonds feel so powerful, you’re trapped in a circle – hurt, hope, relief, hurt again. But scripture warns us about this very dynamic in Psalm 55:21, where it says,

“They speak peace with their lips, but their hearts are full of war.”

The enemy uses these momentary highs – these emotional bait-and-switch moments – to keep you settling for less than God intended. The enemy is very manipulative, and so is the narcissist. They are going to do whatever they can to keep you in their clutches. They are very codependent, and they are master mood monitors who can sense when you shift, which is why you don’t ever get any space. Because it’s all about them and they are manipulative, and if you are not wise to these tactics, you can get sucked in every single time. 

The narcissist only cares about their emotional peace. They don’t care about why you’re ‘off’ or why you’re hurt, which is why they get defensive or overreact when you bring an issue to them, all they want is to get you back to taking care of their needs. 

And here’s the deeper truth – if the enemy can hook you with false hope, then he can keep you from real freedom. You stay waiting, you stay wishing, you believe the next good moment is a breakthrough, when in reality, it’s bait. It’s the bait that’s going to keep you stuck where God is trying to deliver you from. God doesn’t set his daughters free with crumbs, he doesn’t set his sons free with scraps, he calls them to the table – he calls them to fullness, to wholeness, to peace. And that false hope is the enemy’s last-ditch effort to keep you from walking out of the prison that God has already unlocked.

I’m guessing that this is hitting right now, because you know that there is an escape hatch – the emotional detachment from needing their constant approval, from having to meet their every need, from being so emotionally entangled – God has unlocked that prison for you. The question now is, why have you not walked out, or why do you keep walking back in?

I can assure you that it is not God’s desire that any should parish, but that all should come to salvation. So just like God gave you chance after chance after chance, he is doing the same for the narcissist. 

I want to encourage you today to unhitch that hook. The hook that says, “If I could just explain myself a little better, if I could just get them to see where they’ve hurt me, if I could just give one more explanation that would really drive it home for them, then they’ll probably see, and they’ll get it, and they’ll stop treating me this way.” My friend, unhitch that hook, because it’s not going to work. They see what they’re doing, and they’re holding onto that because they have an image to uphold. They don’t want to face the shame or the potential rejection through repentance, they want to keep the status quo. And if God has been reaching out and hasn’t been able to reach them, what makes you think you can?

I know you’re tired, and your body is feeling it, and you’re on mental overload because your nervous system wasn’t meant to handle this. You’re meant to walk in peace, and just outside of that prison door is the peace that God has for you. Unhitch the hook that keeps you tied to them emotionally for approval, for validation, for explanation, because you crave so much to have healthy, loving relationships. Unhitch that hook – go focus on yourself – be the love that you desire, be the health that you wish to see, and I assure you, God will take care of the rest.

• Check out this episode next on how to spot a narcissist before they wreck your life.
• 👉 Grab a Free Narcissist Survival Guide
• 👉 Guilt-Free Boundaries That Stick
• 👉 Conquering Codependency Biblically