Dealing with a narcissist can leave you feeling trapped, confused, and downright drained, especially when nothing you do seems to work. That’s why I’m bringing together three powerful teachings to show you exactly how God wants you to respond to these wolves in sheep’s clothing, and how you can finally break free from their manipulation without losing your sanity.
How Do You Deal With a Narcissist?
Have you ever wondered why narcissists never seem to face consequences for their actions? It’s like they just skate through life, using, abusing, and manipulating people without so much as a slap on the wrist. What if I told you that God actually has a plan for dealing with these narcissists — yes, even ‘your’ narcissist — and it doesn’t involve you getting stuck in the mud with them?
Before we dive into the scripture that will forever change how you see God’s justice, I want to share this: God’s justice works a lot like a washing machine. You see, when you throw a mix of dirty clothes in the bin and turn it on, you walk away and let it do its thing. That is my hope today — that you will let God just do His thing. In other words, ‘let God be God.’
So, how do you deal with a narcissist?
Well, it’s found in the book of Psalms, Chapter 37. Let’s start at verse 1.
“Don’t fret over evildoers. Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers, for they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.” – Psalm 37:1-2
They will soon fade. This is proof that the Lord is God. He is sovereign, and He knows what He is doing. It is proof that the Lord will not allow this to go on forever. Even when it doesn’t look like it, you may be asking, “Lord, where are you? Do you not see what this person is doing to me? Do you not hear the smear campaign?” It’s so easy to fret and be envious — not because you want what they have, but because you struggle that they don’t seem to struggle the way you are, and you want it to stop.
You want a healthy, loving relationship, but that ship has sailed. Now, the focus is justice. And if you’re being honest, you probably want some vengeance. You may be tired of there seeming to be no consequences in this person’s life. So, every little move they make becomes your focus; every sin against you, every lie they tell, every self-centered, manipulative move is all you can focus on. You keep adding it to the bank of bitterness, and before you know it, you’ve taken the enemy’s bait, and he has you right where he wants you.
I’ve been there. You pray two minutes for this person, then you go on for two hours in your mind about what they’ve done to you. The thoughts run over and over again until it’s all you can think about. You think the solution is to get away from this person, but I’m telling you that there is a better solution. (That’s not to say you don’t need to get away from some people.) There is a way to not only see justice served but also to get your peace back, and it doesn’t involve selling your soul and forfeiting your peace to do it.
So, what are you supposed to do? Is it possible that God just wants you to sit back and do nothing?
Let’s move on to Psalm 37:3
“Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.” – Psalm 37:3
You may be asking, “Am I supposed to stay and endure abuse? Is that what it means to do good?”
Absolutely not. Please do not hear what I am not saying. But if it’s uncomfortable, if there seems to be no way out, if God is not releasing you, if there seems to be no change, no justice, no repentance from this person — hang tight — trust in the Lord.
Now, trusting in the Lord doesn’t mean we say, “God, I trust you to get me out of here, so in the meantime, I’m going to behave the same way they do. I’m going to gossip, I’m going to set my own smear campaign.” No, that’s just exchanging evil for evil. No matter how justified you feel, instead, trust in the Lord and do good.
- Don’t yell when they talk down to you for the fourth time this morning.
- Don’t make the sarcastic remark you think is some “mic drop” moment.
- Don’t look like one of Satan’s minions while claiming to pray for this person.
This is where many Christians get tripped up and wonder why there’s no change. Is it possible that our Lord hasn’t been able to step in because you won’t step aside?
Let’s move on to Psalm 37:4, “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4
We often read this to mean God will give us what we want, but when we read it in context, we see that the desire is actually for justice — for God to act on our behalf.
The Israelites were in captivity, and they were being treated poorly. They needed God to rescue them. They had the same questions you and I have, “God, where are you? Don’t you see what I’m going through?”
But here was the encouraging command: “Trust in the Lord and do good.” Don’t exchange evil for evil. Their behavior doesn’t justify your reaction.
“Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.” – Psalm 37:3
In other words, get comfortable because it might be a while. Stop looking for an exit strategy. Delight yourself in the Lord. He will bring justice when His timing is right. I know it’s not your timing — it wouldn’t be mine either. But we don’t have all the data. We don’t know the end from the beginning. There’s a reason He’s God, not us.
Again, you might be thinking, “Kris, it sounds like it’s ok to just sit back and do nothing?” No! Speak up in love, set your boundaries, get help from Godly friends, but most importantly,
“Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act.” – Psalm 37:5
Trust Him. He will act. God will do what He says He’ll do.
This is the true test of faith: Do we really believe that God will do what He says He’ll do? Do we say we trust Him only until our circumstances change, until that person isn’t behaving the way we want, or until they hurt us again? Or do we say, “God, I trust you, no matter what they say, no matter what they do, no matter what it looks like, I trust you.” And when we do,
“He will bring forth your righteousness as the light and your justice as the noon day.” – Psalm 37:6
One day, your eyes will be open to see that everything you’ve been through has all worked together, if you will just trust Him.
The command that follows trust is found in Psalm 37:7,
“Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him. Fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices.”
Are you fretting? Envious? Or are you trusting and committing?
We often miss this next passage and end up falling easily into the enemy’s traps, then wonder why God isn’t working on our behalf. It’s because we’re actually working against God.
“Refrain from anger and forsake wrath; fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.” – Psalm 37:8
How many times have you found yourself gossiping, slandering, and even name-calling, all in the name of venting? God says that’s evil — stop it. How many times have you responded back in a way that you hope hurts them as much as they’ve hurt you? God says that’s evil — stop it. How many times have you seethed in resentment and bitterness and not realized that it has seeped into your communication with them and others? God says that’s evil — stop it.
“The evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.” – Psalm 37:9
God says, “I’m the one who gets to cut them off, not you.” Your focus is:
- Trust me.
- Do good.
- Be patient.
- Stop fretting — it only leads to evil.
Are you in a place right now where you’re exchanging evil for evil? I want you to be careful. I want to see you on the right side of God’s justice — being served for you, not against you. Be careful not to take the enemy’s bait and slip into the narcissist’s toxic patterns. Give this relationship to the Lord and leave it there.
- Stop getting distracted by their behavior.
- Stop trying to change this person.
- Stop insisting that they validate you and understand you.
- Stop trying to get them to see the error of their ways.
So, how do you deal with a narcissist? Trust God!
When God has shown you who they are, believe Him, and then leave them to God. He sees the bigger picture, the broader context. He knows what He’s doing. Your job is to focus on trusting Him.
The Biggest Barrier to Trust: Codependency
If you don’t address a critical barrier, you’ll find yourself giving lip service to God, saying “I trust you” one minute, but being driven by your emotions the next.
If you do not address the codependency within you, your desires to trust, do good, and be patient will be overridden by the disease to please, taken hostage by your discomfort when these problematic people are upset with you. I want you to be okay even when they’re not okay with you.
To do that, you must address the issue of codependency. That’s why I created my online course, Conquering Codependency Biblically, to help you stop saying yes when you want to say no.
The Problem with Confrontation
The instinct when your eyes are opened to the manipulation is to enlighten them, to call them out. But I must tell you about my client, Brenda, whose experience is all too common.
Brenda realized both her manipulative mother and her 32-year-old daughter exhibited severe narcissistic traits.
For years, Brenda believed her mother’s lies, thinking that she was damaged and disrespectful. And she took on the responsibility of trying to make her daughter more respectful and appreciative, never realizing the true nature of both of their behaviours.
Tired of the lies and blame, she was determined to let them know she was on to them.
She confronted both her mother and her daughter on the same day. Both discussions spiraled into a toxic quagmire, leaving Brenda feeling more drained, confused, and out of control than before.
She asked, “What went wrong? I was loving with my daughter and firm with my mother, but it’s like it all backfired on me.”
Brenda’s situation is unfortunately all too common. Whether your narcissist is a conniving coworker, a manipulative mother, an entitled child, or a childish spouse, you’ve likely reached the point where you’re ready to call out the lies, the gaslighting, and the manipulations. You are done holding it in and think, “if there’s any hope for them to change, or to keep my sanity, I’ve got to say something.”
But here’s the truth: You’re never going to win that challenge because you are trying to have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. Life with a narcissist is like building a house on shifting sand.
You need to remember that narcissists don’t see their problems, but they will see you as a problem if you try to point it out.
Narcissists don’t want their distorted thinking challenged. They are not healthy people, and there is nothing that you are going to do to make them healthy. In fact, the more you try to point it out, the more they become ingrained in their delusion. They have to hold onto their distorted truth to feel good about themselves. So, challenging them backs them into a corner. You won’t be met with someone who sees the error of their ways; you’ll be met with a rabid dog that turns and attacks you, adding additional charges to the blame.
No matter what you say or do, it will always be your fault. You will be blamed for stressing them out, for being a control freak, or for ruining the weekend. But the vicious, rabid dog was lying dormant, and it is not your fault that he or she is attacking. It is not your responsibility to keep this ferocious animal from attacking you.
A narcissist will never lovingly hold your emotions and work through them, and they are certainly not going to apologize and recognize where they’ve gone wrong. If they do apologize, the moment you start digging deeper or asking more questions, that apology rages right back to their arrogant, victim-like defensiveness, proving it meant nothing.
The Self-Improving Narcissist
Beware, there is only one thing worse than a narcissist, and that’s a self-improving narcissist.
They honestly believe a minor change is a life transformation for all to admire. Narcissists are self-focused, deluded, grandiose victims. They can’t and they won’t assume responsibility for their actions and right their wrongs.
When you step in, thinking you are going to enlighten them and have a healthy dialogue, that thinking is deluded and that hope is displaced.
The narcissist can get under your skin and into your head and burrow themselves like a parasite. This is how your fight starts off relationally and ends spiritually. The enemy is the ultimate parasite that wants to hide beneath the surface, so even after you’ve cut contact and sought help or set boundaries, he still has inside access to wreak havoc in your life. And his trap is when your focus is all about them — caring what they think, needing to speak your mind because they just have to know. Give in to that mindset, and you’ve just taken demonic bait, and these demons will keep you trapped in your mind and trapped in your emotions.
What slips right through your fingers is the glorious, victorious life that God planned for you.
So, how do you avoid this demonic dealth grip?
There are better biblical options than calling them out and they do not involve stuffing your feelings:
#1. Break the Bond
Codependency can be a glue that ties you to the narcissist even long after they’re gone. It is crucial to break the patterns of mood monitoring, eggshell walking, and basing your value and worth on their opinion of you. God made you a unique creation, so I want to encourage you to stop people pleasing and start God pleasing.
#2. Resist the Urge
As much as you want to tell this person off and make them see that everything they say about you is wrong, fight it. You will not yield good fruit. Sharing your heart and frustrations with a narcissist is pointless; they simply don’t care. Remember:
“When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased, because for a long time he had been wanting to see him. From what he had heard about him, he hoped to see him perform a sign of some sort. He plied him with many questions, but Jesus gave him no answer.” – Luke 23:8-9
When someone shows you that they don’t value what you have to say, stop talking.
#3. Give it to God
God has been at work all this time and he is still at work. If you just give it to him. Education on this topic is great, but God can do infinitely more than you could ever do in this person and your situation.
I recently went through a narcissistic attack. This person was spiteful, vindictive, and continued to lie and manipulate worse than they ever had before. My flesh wanted to tell this person off, and I wanted to right those wrongs and undo the lies that they were telling, but there was something in me saying, “Hold on. What would God want you to do?” So I sat there crying out to God and praying for strength, and I heard this drop in my spirit: “Put your armor on. Therein lies your strength.”
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” – Ephesians 6:12
This person was just an agent for evil, and they likely didn’t even know it. They were sent to trigger and trip me up to fall into the flesh. And I’m not saying that their behavior was ok because they don’t realize that they’re being used — they’re being used because of their desire to hurt you.
So, do you just give up? Roll over? Turn the other cheek?
No. You prepare for battle. This is spiritual warfare.
Spiritual warfare is considered the fight to believe God’s truth over the enemy’s lies. It is all about overcoming deception, and toxic people are one of his favorite portals. These deceivers implant lies, and once you believe them, they become strongholds that cause you to act and feel according to those lies.
God has given you everything you need to stand against the attacks of the enemy and the narcissist. There is nothing the narcissist can do that God has not prepared you for.
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.” – Ephesians 6:10-13
Each piece of this armor was designed to help you fight this very battle against the deceit and trickery of the enemy and the narcissist. Ephesians 6:14,
“Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one, and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication. To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints.”
All of these pieces refer to either fighting temptation or deception.
- The belt of truth – when we put on the belt of truth, we hold fast to God’s truth, which exposes the lies and the manipulation of the narcissist, and ground us in reality.
- The body armor of righteousness – this protects our hearts. We live righteously, following God’s commands. We guard ourselves from falling into the narcissist’s emotional traps, and ensure that we walk in integrity.
- The shoes of peace – this allows us to stand firm in the message of salvation no matter the chaos the narcissist brings.
- The shield of faith – this is our belief in God’s promises. When the narcissist tries to sow seeds of doubt or make us believe their lies, our faith in God’s truth and his word shields us from their deception.
- The helmet of salvation – this will guard our minds. By wearing the helmet of salvation, we protect our thoughts from the toxic narratives that narcissists try to plant. And we are reminded of our identity in Christ.
By wearing the full armor of God, we not only protect ourselves from the narcissist’s tactics, but we also stand firm against the enemy. Fighting with the strength and the truth that only comes from our Lord.
The previous pieces of armor are defensive, but the next piece is offensive, and that is
- The sword of the spirit – this is the word of God and our weapon in spiritual warfare. When we take up the sword of the spirit we fight back against the narcissist’s lies and manipulation with the truth of God’s word. It gives us the power to cut through their deceit and stand firm in righteousness. With the truth of God’s work, we utterly destroy the lies of the enemy and his narcissistic ambassadors.
I’m not saying that one piece of armor is more important than the other, but the sword of the spirit is key. You can’t live on the defensive forever. We must go after the enemy in our lives and we go after the enemy, and the people he uses, through God’s truth.
You can’t fight this fight on the narcissist’s playing field. You must take that battle into the spirit realm, where the true fight is going to be fought and won.
The narcissist has spent their entire life perfecting the craft of manipulation. They are shallow souls that seek your energy to thrive off of. Since they can’t risk rejection, they won’t be vulnerable enough to ask for what they want, but they feel entitled enough to take it. They have to scheme and manipulate to take what they need from you.
If you don’t suit up, you’ll get chewed up.
In the moments when you want to run to the flesh — to pay them back, defend your name, and right the wrongs — I encourage you to close your eyes and imagine that shield surrounding you.
“Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.” – Romans 12:19
You can sit back and rest in His promises. You can release that desire for revenge. You can stand still and see the salvation of the Lord. He’s got your back, He’s got your front, He covers your going out and your coming in. He holds your today and your tomorrow, and He holds your victory. Will you trust Him?
- If you’re still wondering what God will do when He’s had enough with the narcissist’s schemes, be sure to check out this episode next to find out. And make sure you grab a copy of our free Narcissist Survival Guide.
