Today, I want to share with you 10 Clues that indicate you’ve been abused by a narcissist. Every ounce of my heart wants to help you navigate difficult relationships and conquer codependency biblically. So, let’s dive right in!
Here are the 10 Clear Signs You’ve been Abused By a Narcissist
Clue #1: Hypervigilance
Hypervigilance is when you’re over-sensitive to potential threats and criticism. You develop this through the narcissist’s unpredictable behavior which has you living in a state of constant alertness. Is there someone you feel constantly on guard with? Are you always trying to avoid upsetting, offending, or angering them? Does it feel like you’re walking on eggshells?
One of the things you’ll want to really pay attention to are signs that your tendencies towards hypervigilance aren’t developing into a form of codependency. You’ll know this is happening when you become, in essence, a mood monitor. Sound familiar? As a mood monitor you’re always watching someone’s mood. You’re always wondering if they’re in a good mood, or if it’s the right time to bring something up. Or…are they in a bad mood? Do you need to stay away? Do you need to appease them? You find yourself tiptoeing around their behaviors.
If you’re struggling with codependency, you’re not alone. In fact, codependency is so prevalent that I actually created a course called Conquering Codependency → It’s a 4 Part Video Series that you get access to for 12 full months, and if you’re reading this, my friend…are you recognizing these signs of hypervigilance in yourself? Well, there’s a good chance that YOU’VE been abused by a narcissist!
Clue #2: Trauma Bonding
If you’re feeling a strong emotional attachment to your abuser (it may be a harsh word, but let’s call a spade a spade) despite the abusive behavior, there’s a strong possibility that you’ve been abused by a narcissist. This is actually due to cycles of abuse followed by intermittent positive reinforcement and it can actually lead to a strong psychological bond and a resistance to overcoming trauma even with counseling and therapy.
You keep telling yourself it’s going to get better or it’s going to go back to the way it was in the past. But it’s like a fake facade and this is where my heart breaks because, to put a Christian label on it → you’re just being Christlike. This is some major scripture twisting on our part because these beliefs are actually self-imposed, but this is not what scripture tells us!
When we look at somebody’s actions → how they’re behaving, instead of being blinded by our hope that they’re going to be anything other than what they’ve pretended to be in the past, we create a strong psychological bond with this person. If you’re trauma-bonded, this needs to get broken. You’re going to need to do the work to break cycles of negative thoughts and behaviors that are keeping you chained to this toxic bond.
Clue #3: Loss of Personal Identity
Are you struggling with a diminished sense of self? Do you often find yourself thinking “I just don’t know who I am”? Maybe you vacillate between who you want to be and who you think you should be?
Loss of personal identity happens when the narcissist undermines and controls every aspect of a victim’s identity. If this one sounds familiar, you might be experiencing a loss of identity at the hands of sneaky narcissistic patterns.
Clue #4: Gaslighting
Are you struggling with chronic guilt or experiencing persistent feelings of shame? When somebody challenges your reality, makes you feel bad for not doing something or going somewhere for them → this could mean you’re the victim of toxic gaslighting tactics! God did not give us people to use, nor are we supposed to be used…and certainly not abused.
People can get tripped up when they’re confused about whether their guilt is real or induced.
This is really where taking time with the Lord is critical. If you’ve legitimately sinned against somebody and feel a sense of guilt – that’s a good guilt. But, when you don’t know what you’ve done wrong or why you’re feeling a sense of guilt, you may be dealing with a guilty conscious brought on by a narcissist.
Clue #5: Manifesting Physical Symptoms
Chronic fatigue, insomnia, gastrointestinal problems, are all stress-related responses to ongoing emotional abuse. Personally, this one has impacted me in a big way. I grew up with a very controlling stepfather who had some destructive traits. Very early in life I ended up with tummy troubles and had no idea why. You know what happens when you grow up in an environment riddled with childhood trauma? You start to attract other unhealthy people!
I went from one dysfunctional, toxic, narcissistic relationship to another. Romantic relationships, friendships, co-workers…it didn’t matter. I was just surrounded by toxic people, but I had no idea why or that my physical symptoms were connected. The discovery of how much those relationship issues were related to physical symptoms was an eye-opener for me. And it should be for you, too.
Clue #6: Low Self Esteem
Feeling unworthy and inadequate is often due to a constant supply of criticism and belittlement by the narcissist. Our upbringing can have a lot to do with our sense of identity, self-esteem, and level of confidence and if you were raised in a healthy, securely attached environment you’re naturally going to have a strong sense of self. And in this case, the narcissist becomes a lot easier to spot.
But, if not? Calling on God to help you manage self-doubt and skepticism in your trauma healing journey is going to be the work you need to turn towards.
Clue #7: Reliance On Your Abuser
Developing a reliance on your abuser (we call this emotional dependence) is a form of codependency. Relying on your abuser for emotional support and validation despite negative treatment and belittlement is a classic sign of narcissistic abuse. If you’re constantly being gaslit, but you can’t seem to stop going back for validation, this is a good indicator that you’re dealing with a narcissist.
Clue #8: Walking On Eggshells
Victims of narcissistic abuse have turned “walking on eggshells” into an art form. If you’re feeling constantly anxious about how someone is going to react and are constantly cautious in your interactions with them, I want you to ask yourself if this anxiety is yours or if has it been brought on by them.
What happens in this process is that you are now stripped of your own desires, your own quirkiness, and your own personality! You can’t show up as YOU for fear of retaliation, retribution, criticism, gaslighting…you name it! If you have a pattern of walking on eggshells there’s a high probability that you have suffered under narcissistic abuse.
Clue #9: Trust Issues
Constant confusion over who and what you can trust often leads to suspicion….which then leads to feelings of guilt and giving your trust over to those who haven’t earned it. Victims of narcissistic abuse have a tendency to live life like a hermit, preventing any possibility of emotional connection, any chance to be vulnerable…..and, forget about intimacy. Relationships become very surface-level. The other extreme? Someone who readily trusts and equates it to love. This is equally harmful.
I want you to allow the Holy Spirit to speak to you about every person in your life and every interaction that you’re going through. Stop being codependent on people under demonic influence. I want you to be completely dependent on God for removing toxic people from your life and to help you navigate through healing from emotional manipulation.
Clue #10: Self-Doubt
You’re seeped in self-doubt because you’re constantly being lied to. Experiencing persistent doubt about your perceptions and feelings is a common symptom that you’ve been abused by a narcissist and is born from gaslighting tactics.
Any of these sound familiar? → “I didn’t mean that.” or “Oh, you didn’t hear that correctly.” or “You’re being ridiculous!”…The list goes on and on….and on.
It’s important to understand that gaslighting happens on many levels. We can often undermine somebody’s opinions, thoughts, and feelings without having any intentions to do so. You may not recognize that you’re trying to be encouraging, but you’re actually just completely invalidating somebody’s experience and feelings. The narcissist, however, will take this to a whole other level – they’ll completely invalidate you and make you feel crazy. Why? They don’t want to deal with your feelings and they can’t handle the depths of your vulnerability. It’s just too much work.
Seeking Biblical Approaches to Trauma Recovery
But, what’s the way out? STOP trying to get blood from a stone. Trying to get feelings from an unfeeling person will drive you mad. God is calling for you to look inward. He’s asking you to begin building self-awareness and emotional resilience. God is asking you to become secure in the person he made you to be.
Counseling is critical and I wish I could sit down with each and every one of you and help you to unpack the pain of the past, but truth be told I’m just one woman with limited time. But, I want to encourage you to find a good Christian counselor, a pastor professional, or a lay counselor. I want you to seek faith-based solutions from someone who’s actually going to use the Bible as a reference and preferably somebody that has some understanding of toxic narcissistic abuse.
Better Help is a great resource. If you reach out to them, I’d encourage you to insist on a Christian counselor skilled at integrating faith with evidence-based therapy. Keep searching until you find the right fit for you, and of course be very prayerful.
Lastly, I want you to remember that God has the power to change everything. One touch from Him is more powerful than a thousand years of counseling, but the combination of these two strategies – of seeking outside support AND calling on the Holy Spirit – will shift the needle away from pain and towards God-praising recovery.
