Toxic relationships are infectious diseases, people poison you from the inside out with their gaslighting, manipulation, and constant drama. And many years ago, I ran into an old boyfriend at the mall and I stopped to do the niceties, “Good to see you. I hope you’re doing well.”
You know, the drill, and I was very careful to not say, or do anything that would engage him any longer than need to be. And just, as I was walking away, he looked me straight in the eyes with the same piercing look that he would give me when he was trying to manipulate me, and he said, “Do you ever wonder?” And I knew what he was asking. He wanted to find out if I missed him, and in the past, I would get sucked back into that relationship with him with his romantic questions and his dramatic dreams.
But I was a long past that, at this point, so I played his game and I repeated his question, back to him, “Do I ever wonder?” I answered, Yes, Yes. I do. I wondered what on Earth was going on inside of me to put up with such a lying, manipulative person. I wondered how pathetic I have to be to take the scraps that you offered me and call that a relationship. I wondered how sad I was to settle for someone who only cared about himself. So, yeah, I’ve wondered.
Not the answer he was looking for and I walked away and never heard from him again, thank goodness. Look all relationships can be challenging and I’m not talking about people you don’t prefer. I’m talking about ones that have made you sick and sometimes when we’re in the middle of a toxic relationship, we can know that something is off, but we really don’t know just how bad it is until we step away and that’s when the revelation really hits you. You remember one situation after another, with this person being self-serving, dominating, inconsiderate, self-centered, and dreadful, but they played the victim.
It’s enough to make you wonder what was wrong with me and toxic relationships rob you of your peace and your identity, and your purpose or they dominate your thoughts, your emotions, and your action. Each step you take is with this toxic person in mind and whether you’re walking on eggshells, defending yourself, or constantly worrying about what they’ll think of you.
Toxic relationships, are the devil’s handiwork to keep you from living the life that God created for you. God, my friend has so much more for you and he wants so much more from you today.
I want to talk to you about three steps that you can take to find your God-given purpose, after or even in the midst of a toxic relationship.
Step # 1 – Defeat codependency.
There is nothing that will keep you tethered to a toxic relationship more than being codependent. In fact, it could even be the very reason that you were in that relationship in the first place. Codependency is the need to be needed, and many struggling under the weight of toxic relationships are doing so because they are either rescuers, or they need to be rescued.
And there was only one Savior, and that is our Lord Jesus Christ. And when you step into the role of rescuing and relationships were there, you were doing the rescuing or you need to be rescued, you create an unhealthy attachment, and this attachment should be reserved for Jesus alone. He is your rescue work and you are not his replacement. So defeating codependency is going to be critical if you want to break free and find your purpose in life to do so you’ll want to begin to detach from others and attached to Jesus, and this doesn’t mean that you don’t have healthy interdependence. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have healthy attachments in life, but it does mean that they are no longer your source. It is. So if you want to break free from unhealthy dependency on others, begin by asking yourself the Galatians. 1:10 question, “Where am I now?”
Seeking the approval of man, or of God or am I trying to please, man? If I was still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ, and my friend, if you need help in breaking free, from this dysfunctional relationship pattern, check out my course called Conquering.
Step #2 – Discover you.
Did you know that God was intentional and how he created you? He created you on purpose for a purpose and that purpose does not include being a doormat to toxic people. That’s Satan’s desire for your life. His plan for your life is destruction and I believe that one of his favorite methods of destruction is toxic people, especially those that are closest to us, consider them your trojan horse once and they will seek to destroy you from the inside out. But it’s hard to see that because this person seems maybe loving.
And you asked me, how could someone do such a thing? Well, it’s easy! When you’re upon Satan’s plan you don’t even realize that you’re being deceived and being used by him? These people don’t realize it, but that’s not to say that they don’t have a choice. So please don’t hear what I’m not saying, but that’s why it’s so crucial to separate your identity from others and discover who you are.
Psalm 139:14 tells us, “I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works. My soul knows, it full well.”
So will you embrace your wonderful uniqueness now? I don’t mean this in a narcissistic way like the toxic person. I mean this in a God-honoring way that embraces the creation of the master craftsman. He was intentional in how he created you. The least that we can do is to get to know his handiwork. So take some time to put aside the needs and expectations of others and ask yourself.
What do I like?
What do I dislike?
What are my strengths?
One of my desires this time, my friend is going to be enlightening, my friend, you had a purpose before anyone had an opinion.
Step #3 – Develop your gifts.
You have been given a unique gift by God. 1 Peter 4:10 reminds us “as each has received the gift, use it to serve one another as good stewards of God’s varied grace.”
There is no one that is not received a gift to be used for God’s glory. You may however feel like this toxic person, stole your gift. Well, that’s not possible because Romans 11:29 tells us that the gifts of God are irrevocable. So my friend, if God can’t take away your gift, that toxic person certainly can’t. It’s there. It may be hiding but it’s there, it may take a little digging, but it’s there. And once you discover your gifts, do everything you can to cultivate them, got the gift of music? Go take some lessons and practice. Got the gift of speaking? Begin to cultivate proper speaking skills. Got the gift of administration? Learn all you can to use your gifts for the good of others, and the glory of God. Whatever your gift is my friend, it will need to be developed and your God-given purpose is a journey if you would allow the Holy Spirit to have his way in you, there is no demon in Hell or toxic person on Earth that can stop you.
Start by stepping out in the small things. Defeat the need to attach yourself to others in an unhealthy way. Discover what God created you to be, and then develop, what he’s gifted you to do and when you do your focus will be less on that toxic person and more on your beautiful purpose.
And if you are ready to answer the cry for purpose, with the determination to discover, I want to invite you to grab a free, copy of my Uncover our God-given Purpose Guide. And if you want to dive deeper into your Discovery Journey, then join my new online course called Destined. This course will walk you through the details of discovering your God-given purpose.
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